We're Moving?

Wassup guys.

Listen, I know I've totally sucked at keeping this thing going, but I have new groundbreaking news!  I'm moving this blog to another site!  YAY!

Not really, I mean c'mon.  If anything it means you have to delete a bookmark for this site and add a new one.  I didn't mean to give you all work to do, really, I didn't.  It's just kinda how this thing worked out.

But seriously, new site is below.  See you there (Later though, need to write a post after this).

http://realsamwow.wordpress.com/

BOOM!

Off My Chest (For Lack of a Better Title)

So a government shutdown that leaves me temporarily jobless brings forth a lot of benefits, that is if you can look beyond not getting paid at all (I hate you, Congress).  It allows you time to go the gym a few times a day, get a library card, mop the floors, rake leaves, split wood, and see Gravity at 10:00am with a bunch of senior citizens.

It's also allowed me to have a lot of time where I'm just sitting around, whether it's lying in bed, on the couch, in front of the television, or just somewhere in-between.  What I do in that free time is what most people do, I think.  I think about baseball, the Nats managerial position for next year, the potential Redskins name change, how the Caps will fare in a tougher division, or what Wizards shirsey I'll be buying next (Hint, not Jan Vessely, cuz duh).  Thoughts on how I need to start saving more money and losing weight weigh heavy but are far too easily replaced with how I'd love to spend money on this and then eat that.

However, most of the "mental heavy lifting" comes in the way of the person I've become in the past five years.  In high school, I was just one of the guys, I didn't worry about fitting in with groups or past decisions.  I was a kid, just living day-to-day without major responsibilities or cares.  Now, five years later I'm working a real job, paying real bills, and worrying about my social image while behaving like a bipolar, sociopathic monster to those close to me.

It's taken a lot of time (Read "A lot of Call of Duty") to admit that, for which I am ashamed.  People have told me that before but I didn't listen.  Some of those people are still around, others have grown distant, and some have totally fallen off the face of the Earth for which I cannot blame them.

Where is all this building too you ask?  It's at the point now where I need to shut up, nut up, and prove that I can be a changed person and start living a "honest and clean" lifestyle.  I also am aware of how little all this will mean to a lot of you, I don't really care haha.  This is for me.

Pax, Sammy SoCised.

Putting the "Wow" Back In SamWow, Part Two

Okay, so yesterday I rolled out "Putting the 'Wow' Back In SamWow, Part One" and well, quite frankly no one saw it, which is fine.  I'm writing it for me so I can get my thoughts together, and if I can touch someone with what I write that's even better.  However, I will say it is a bit different from my usual stuff like my posts about the mall, America's favorite Frenchman Herve Benoit, or my chilling expose on potty talk because those were built for speed and laughs. 

These on the other hand, are built for longevity.  I'm trying to devlop as a person and keep myself from doing something stupid, but enough random talking; let's get into it. 

A week ago, I had an idea for something I jokingly called "Hugs Without Borders" and it's my millionth crazy scheme. Hopefully this one sticks.

So what is "Hugs Without Borders"?  Well, it's not me flying all over the world like the great folks with Doctors Without Borders (Who you can donate to here.), even though I would totally do that if it was do-able.

It's driving out of your way to see a friend in need, even if they're too proud to admit it.  It's smiling at a stranger and wishing them a good day as you step off the elevator.  It's giving up your seat on a crowded bus so someone else can sit down.  It's holding the door open for a mother and her children.  It's calling your parents, or anyone really, to just chat.  It's paying the toll for the car behind you.  It's making that one dollar donation at the grocer's checkout to help find a cure for prostate cancer.  It's dropping a few dollars extra on a tip.  It's dancing like a fool to make a friend laugh.  It's story telling to get someone's mind out of a dark place.

But at it's simplest core, it's a gesture, no matter how small, where you put yourself aside and make someones day, change a frown into a smile, and maybe get that person to do the same for someone else.  Picture the movie "Pay It Forward", just without Kevin Spacey, Haley Joel Osment, Jon Bon Jovi, and Jay Mohr (And I think Helen Hunt was in it, but it might have been Meg Ryan, they're the same person in my book).  That's what I'm going for here, it's not some earth shattering idea like the Chillow, it's something we all know  about but don't act upon enough.

Some of you might laugh, and dismiss this as some stupid little scheme and I understand.  I'm not going to argue with it, you can't please everyone and that's not why I'm here.  I just want to bring so good into the world and spread it like butter.

I want to follow in the steps of Kid President, Randy Pausch, Zach Sobiech, or any of the millions of other people who's stories, actions, and lives have inspired the world. 

That's all for now.  Until next time.


____________________________________
Editor's Note // All those links at the bottom are things you really should watch if you want to get on board or just get inspired.  Just as a disclaimer the Randy Pausch video is over an hour long but it's amazing.  His bio is here if you want a quick hitter but nothing tops the video (Or the book, which made me cry like a baby and I would love to buy it for you if you want it...maybe.).

Putting the "Wow" Back In SamWow, Part One.

In the late spring of 2005, I was 15 and a rower on the crew team at DeMatha Catholic High School.  We had a dreadful year, finished what felt like a record of 0-100 (With one second place finish) but we had some laughs and a decent time.  Sorry, I'm getting off track so let's get back onnit.

It was the end of the season and we were all sitting in our "practice facility" which was really just an old Buick dealership/shop with all the equpiment laid out on top of the asbestos.  We were shooting the shit (Yes, I said shit) and waiting for our respective turns for the end of year reviews with the coaches.  We joked about what they would say, who might cry (Laputz was getting ragged on hard core), and what next year would be like when they called my name and I stood up to go into the garage.

In that short walk, everything I did wrong went through my head; the day I sat stroke, couldn't keep a steady pace and caught at least three crabs (rowing term, not the deliscous crustecean) and was probably my worst day on the water.  I thought about all the loses we had, mostly the race at Georgetown where we raced our hearts out for a 3rd place finish and heard Coach yelling from the shore "Head up DeMatha!" and I remember getting really emotional.  On our slow, painful row back to the dock, our "sister schools" rowed by us and congratulated us on the race but none of it helped. 

So it was a pretty scary feeling walking into that garage and sitting down in front of the coaches and I was sure I'd be cut or not asked back (The team was actually too small to afford to cut anyone).  I distinctly remember walking across to the seat they had for me and never looking up, I was staring daggers into my sweet New Balance 574s.

Well I sat down and we started the review, I don't remember all that was said, but it was probably a lot of "Well you did good here.  Improve here.  What can we do different here.  How'd this feel.  What about next year." and then they shook my hand and I stood to leave.  That's when my coach, Jim Case, said something to me that still hits me to this day (Pardon my French his French).

"There's just one problem, Carroll.  You always got that giant head down; keep your fucking head up.  You're a DeMatha Stag.  You're a big strong kid with a lot ahead of you.  If I see you with your head down I'm gonna call you out."

I walked out of there with my head up, but it probably sagged back down as soon as I got back into the main room.  Well hell, I promise you it did.  My head went down that day and has stayed down since that day for the most part, but that's all gonna change.

I've been beating (eating?) around the bush for too long on this whole thing and now that's done.  I'm going to write more about what's going on, what I'm trying to fix, and more as time goes on, just wanted to kick it off and remind everyone to keep ya chins up.

_______________________________
Editors Note // The posts in this series might come off as somewhat of a bummer, but that's the nature of the beast.  I want to inspire and tell a story and to do that you need to make yourself and others feel.  I hope you enjoy -- Sam

SamWow versus the "Kid Gloves"

Hello there, old friends.  If anyone's still reading this site, I'd like to apologize for the lack of posts up in here for the past few months, sometimes you just don't have anything to write.  Sometimes you have something to write but don't want to sound too serious or get too preachy, this is a kid's show after all.

Well, this one might be a wee bit preachy.  Maybe serious.  Maybe neither.  Maybe you'll stop reading after this, who would blame you?  Not me.

I enjoy meeting new people, almost as much as I enjoy people watching at baseball games (Hello, ladies), and I'm lucky enough to meet a lot of them through my friends, co-workers, family, and the daily "Freak Fest" I ride each day that some people call the WMATA Metro.

I dunno how to really create some witty, clever way to introduce this while still teaching you a valuable lesson, so I'll just say it and we'll go from there.  Here we go.

When you meet new people, don't sugarcoat yourself.  Be the guy or gal you are usually.  If you're an overly nice person, be nice.  If you like to crack jokes, crack jokes.  If you like to dance like a clown, dance like a clown.  Why put up some phony front that you'll have to keep up everytime you see that person?  It's a waste of time.  Be real man.

There's no need for the "kid gloves" with a new person.

That's really all, I just wanted to do a lil something to try and get me back into the blog-thing. 

Oh, there is one exception to this rule...if she's hot.  If she's hot, you always lie.

Love on Ice

I wish I could say I like the Washington Capitals, but I cannot.   I wish I could say I love them, but that just wouldn't be enough.  Hell, to be honest with you, I don't know if there is a word to describe how much I love the hockey team that resides here in our Nation's Capital.

My friends and family know it;  they describe it as "boner-age", "creepy", and my personal favorite "you care about them more than certain relatives".  I spend every game I watch at home glued to the couch fist pumping, pelvic-thrusting, yelling, cursing, pacing, and fetal position-ing.  The games I go to at the Big Barn I spend yelling, cheering (Huge difference), cursing, fist-pumping, high fiving, white knuckling, hugging, and honestly, if I leave there without my hands hurting and voice destroyed I didn't do my job and shouldn't be invited back.

But this love affair goes all the way back to 2005, when Alex Ovechkin was called up to the big league club.  The following eight years have held amazing highs like the game seven against Boston from last year, the Federov goal that sent the Rangers home in 2009, amazing brawls from Matt Bradley, Matt Hendricks, and John Erksine, hair raising goals from Ovie, flashy saves from Holtby, and the Winter Classic victory over Pittsburgh in 2011.  Sadly, there have also been lows like the 2010 playoff series against the Habs, anything done by Jeff Schultz, three game seven playoff loses (2008, 2010, 2012), and heartbreaking regular season losses.

What am I trying to say with this?  Well, the overall point is obvious; I'm kind of in the hole for the Washington Capitals hockey franchise.  We have another a big playoff series starting tonight against the New York Rangers so I'm nervous, excited, scared, and thrilled all at the same time.  I'm going to avoid predictions, guarantees, and hopes because if I give one and something happens, it will be my fault and all of Caps nation will hate me, and I can't have that.

I'll leave you all with a few things, Matty P dancing, an amazing video, and a simple saying...

LETS GO CAPS!

S*#@ That's Shaped Me, Part One

Hi.  I'll keep this short, I'm starting a new thing called "Shit That's Shaped Me" where I'll be presenting videos, music, and stories that's shaped the life I lead today.  Here's the first one.

That intro went well.

Here's some sports broadcast calls that made me fall in love with the vehicle from a few of my heroes in the business.  Enjoy (Pardon my DC bias).

Take it away, Boston

Boston.

I am not a political person, nor a person of religion, and quite honestly, I am not a person of great wisdom, knowledge, or stability.

What am I then?  I am a proud American citizen.  I am a man who is willing to speak from the heart and let my emotion by known, and I am a man who is both heartbroken and extremely proud of the effects from this Boston Marathon Bombing.

Like everyone else out there, I am heartbroken for the families of four victims, the three senselessly murdered from the Marathon and the MIT police officer who lost his life in the line of duty.  We can sit here and debate who we think is behind the bombings, but I would rather take this time and put the spotlight on us, the American people.

By this time, we have all seen the footage, photos, or other media from the Boston Marathon Bombing. We have also all seen the photographs and the video of "Suspect One" and "Suspect Two" walking along the path of the marathon.

As I write this, I am sitting in a crowded bar, surrounded by strangers and friends, all eyes glued to the televisions.  They have just announced that "Suspect Two" is in custody, and everyone in here is applauding, hugging, kissing, and "Sweet Caroline" is playing through the speakers.

I'll say just one last thing, it saddens me that it takes moments like this, the Sandy Hook massacre, the VT shootings, Beltway Sniper shootings, and the senseless attacks from 9/11 to fully unite this country, but the sense of pride I feel in my fellow countrymen and women to see us react like this, as One Nation.

It's time to celebrate.  We are One, we are United, we are Boston Strong.

"Me Book", Part Two

Here's Part Two of my "Me Book".  Enjoy.

Here's the dedication page.  Me hanging out with Jay-Breezy, who the epic book is dedicated too.  This one's pretty easy to read so I won't transcribe it.  It's also an epic picture.

I am a good student.
I am a good son.
I am a funny brother.
I am a good drawer.
I am a talented reader.
I am a kind grandson.
I am a calm fisher.
I am a fast "swimer".
I am a good biker.

Ok, so let me talk about this one real quick.  Most of those are lies (Drawer, "calm' fisher, and "swimer"), but the rest are true.  Actually, if you've seen me "swim" you already knew that was a lie.  I don't swim so much as a flail, splash, and move slowly through the water like an injured, leg-less alligator.  Cuz that's how I roll.

"I am Sam Carroll.  My birthday is March 14, 1990.  My favorite colors are blue, green, and red.  My hobbys are reading and baseball.  I am 9 years old.  I live in Bowie, Maryland.  There are 4 people in my family Dad, Mom, Me, and Brain."

 So I'll break this one down.  All sentences are 100% true (Whaaaaa!), and prepare to hear a lot about baseball coming up in the rest of these.  This also marks a huge moment in life that we hadn't noticed yet.  My brother's name is "Brian", but I wrote "Brain", his nickname since he was little.

You're welcome, Bro.

Here's my mirror.  You can see how accurate the drawing of me is in the middle.

All The Pieces, Pieces, Pieces Of Me...

Who remembers that Ashlee Simpson song?  And who wants to stop reading this post cuz I titled it after that abortion of a "hit"?  Everyone, even I don't want to write this anymore but I owe it to you all, and you all owe it to yourselves to keep reading, I have big news.

In 4th grade at St. Pius X in Bowie, MD (Represent!) all three clases started a assignment called a "Me Book".  These books were filled with little assignments and things to tell everyone what we were all about and how we saw the world.  Many of my classmate's editions probably got thrown in the trash or lost somewhere throughout the years, not mine.

Mine sits in my bedroom, next to a thesaurus, dictionary, books about Irish culture, and other "reference" books.  That's really where it belongs, it's a reference book to what I was as a kid.  Who I was as a kid.  It also kills with the ladies.  And I mean kills man.

So I'll stop talking about it, and post the beginning of the book.  More will come later, but I don't want to bomb you all with multiple pages of epic-icity.

Enjoy my "Me Book".

As you can all see, this pretty much sums me up.  I'm just your run of the mill nice fisherman how was God loving and quick.  I may have been a lot of things, but I've never been quick.  I was high clearly.  Also, I used to be blonde.  

And the back cover.  In the picture, you can see me driving like a champion, and my brother, Brian, crashing into the wall.  Also peep my sweet paper mache job with my initials, clearly I left "artist" off my sweet list of "SamWow BuzzWords".

That's all you get for now.  Stay tuned, part two is coming real soon.  Promise.

I'm Just Vomiting A Post, Part Something Or Other

Last night, I laughed so hard my ribs hurt.  Badly.

I was hanging out with two of my closest friends (My cousin Greg and our Bro Anthony) eating wings, drinking beers, and watching "End of Watch" (Which is an amazing movie, that everyone should go buy and watch a hundred times).  Overall, we just goofed on each other, other people, and started an awesome club which is in no way a joke about a "famous" movie about Cowboys.

So all that being said, I've decided to write nothing more about that, and instead just bullet point random thoughts I've had since the last time I blogged for you.

That's right, America.  Get cised for another "I'm Just Vomiting A Post" Post.  Which you all really love, probably because it's a legit look into my brain.  Scary place.

1. I am in love with Anna Kendrick.  And the movie "Pitch Perfect", which one a scale of one to ten, is an  eleven.  If you see it and don't like it, I'll sprinkle salt into my eyes.  I dunno what that will do, but it can't end well.
2. I was driving to the gym today and Michelle Branch's "Everywhere" came on the radio.  Naturally, I cranked the radio all the way up and started singing and dancing to it (If you need that image in your head, picture a big white guy with his hat on backwards gyrating and lip synching in his car).  That will always be one of those songs that gets me.  It's awesome.
3. I'm really excited for baseball season to start, and I'm also depressed that Caps haven't played in days.
4. If you like to lift weights at the gym, always poop first.  It's really tough to control your muscles uh, down there, when you're benching and it's a disaster waiting to happen.
5. I learned that in everyone's tail bone there is a bone named the "coccyx" (Pronounced cocks-ix, maybe).  I find that hilarious because that means there is literally a coccyx in everyone's butt.  If that doesn't make you laugh, you have no soul.
6. All kidding aside, when I heard that I laughed for like two minutes.  I also laughed really hard when I wrote that.  Cuz I'm practically twelve.
7. I think the word "joan"/"joaning" is totally under used once you leave PG County.  Other words that are under used outside of "Gawjus Prince Gawjus"?  Silly, nubs, donk, bazilly, and cised.
8. Never date a famous girl.  I didn't know this until recently, but it really messes with a man's ego when she calls you and mentions "Oh, I'll be in a date auction for charity."  I replied with "Oh, I'll be at the next table...with mace and a sock full of pennies."
9. My song this year for those summer nights I spend cruising around town is "Miles Davis & The Cool" by The Gaslight Anthem.  Go listen to it now.
10. The other day, I was in the grocer's and I picked up a basket and my greatest dilema came back to haunt me.  How do you carry the basket in a manly way?  If anyone can answer that, please hit me up on Twitter @therealSamWow.

The "Manly" way, as of now.

Well, that's it for now.  I hope to have a more normal post next.

Peace and love, you groovy hippies.





What the hell was that closer all about?  Jesus.

Pause For A Good Cause // Part Two

Hey everyone, remember me? SamWow?  Of course you do, I'm pretty legendary around here.

A while back, I posted my first "Pause For A Good Cause" for my friend Kate's "Swim Across America" fundraiser to help find/fund a cure for cancer.  It went over pretty well, Kate was shocked and happy (I think) that some of you contributed to help her out and I think it's time to do it again for a new charity: Wounded Warrior Project (WWP).

Founded in 2002, WWP is a non-profit organization built to "honor and empower wounded warriors", founded by veterans, for the veterans, and they do amazing work.

Click the link for more information about WWP.

How did I choose WWP?  Well, I recently decided to stop cursing (as well as using sayings such as "That's gay") and I was contributing a quarter to my "Cursing Jar" for each thing I said that crossed my new moral line.

After a few Caps games, a weird hungover weekend, and my psychopathic boss being who she was (She's no longer employed), I had about four or five dollars in the jar.  Later that week, I was at dinner with a friend and I told him about what I was doing.  He liked the idea and decided to take it to the next level.

Anthony's idea was to A) try and stop cursing himself and B) that we should pool together our, for lack of a better word, "contributions" and donate them to WWP.  It's an amazing idea, like, really amazing in my opinion.

So that's my challenge unto you, my peeps, to drop a quarter into the bucket for each curse word you use.  Well shit (There's a quarter), even if you want to keep cursing up a storm take some money out of your pocket and donate to WWP.  If you donate, let me know and I'll match your contribution to the best of my abilities.

And I'll leave you with a video that makes me cry (All videos like this one do), and just think of all our service men and women leave behind to help defend us.  Let's do something to help those who come back.

Click the link to donate to Wounded Warrior Project.

Thank you, I hope we can make a difference.

Much love, SamWow Carroll.

@therealSamWow

The Story of the Jumping Blanket.

OK, so I'm going to keep this one short and sweet, because, well, that's exactly what it was.  I saw it, I laughed, and I kept walking.

Some of you may remember my story about "Tony Romo" the DC Hobo.  The one who kicked a pigeon (Wow, according to spell check there's no "d" in pigeon, had me fooled)  after feeding it cuz, well, cuz he's just like that.  Anyways...

So this morning I'm walking back to my building past the CVS, sushi joint, and McDonalds like it's any other regular day (Except I'm not stopping anywhere cuz I'm trying to save money and be "less person").  I walk past the same hobos, same pan handlers, same taxi stands, and all that jazz, but when I turned the corner onto 4th Street I stumbled (Almost literally) across a strange jumping blanket.

Well, let me rephrase that; I stumbled upon a shape with socks on, perched on milk cartons, covered in a blue moving blanket with what I can only assume to be a leprechaun jumping up and down on his lap grunting loudly.

You know, a leprechaun "jumping" on his lap.  I'll give you a minute to realize what I'm trying to say here.  Ok, that's all you need.  If you didn't get the reference  you probably shouldn't read my anymore cuz you're way too mature for the type of low brow humor I love so dearly.

So I quickly correct my course and swing wide around the man, letting him and the leprechaun continue about their business.  I was content with going about my day and forgetting what happened and then I heard it.  The screw.  Somewhere between blood curling and "Oh my God I'm an attractive young female professional and I tripped over a masturbating hobo cuz I was walking and texting at the same time", but ya know, that's just my best interpretation.

In case you couldn't tell, that quoted part is exactly what happened.  And I found it pretty hilarious, and once  I got a acceptable distance away, I lost it.  I laughed so hard I wanted to share it with you all, so I hope you enjoyed it.  I'd assume the leprechaun did.

Was that last bit too far?

Obligatory Redskins Post

You don't need to know much about me to know that I'm madly in love with my Washington Redskins, blonde sillies, beers, and a lot of other things.  If you're someone who's read my blog from the start, you've probably noticed I try to leave sports out of my posts because I don't want to alienate people from reading cuz they don't like sports or, even worse, don't like my teams.

Today is the exception.  If you dislike the Redskins or football, go read another one of my older posts but if you like sentimental stories about love and Thai food, keep reading.  It'll pay off towards the end, I promise.

So with the big playoff game against the Seattle Sea-hacks coming up Sunday afternoon, I've been thinking a lot about the Redskins teams I've watched in my twenty-two years being alive.  Sadly in those twenty two years, I've watched a massive amount of suck, but I was technically alive for one Super Bowl, but I wasn't even one yet...so let's not rush to count that as anything.

Ok, so now, without further adieu, I give you my Top 10 Most Memorable Redskins Moments (For Better or Worse).

10. The 2011 Season: A Fan On The Drink Brink:

There's not a lot of good things that can be said about the Redskins in 2011.  Rex Grossman, John Beck "led" the offense, the offensive line was constantly in flux (I hate you, Jamal Brown), and once again John Beck.  This season actually made me want to heavily self medicate...with booze...and it still makes me mad to this day and if you're a Redskins fan, it should make you mad too.  Hey, I didn't say they'd be ten good memories, now did I?

9. The 2008 Season: The Year I Loved The Kool-Aid

In hind sight, it makes me sick how cised I was for this Redskins team.  Jim Zorn (America's Friendliest Neighbor) had just taken the reigns, Greg Blatche was running the defense, and Al Saunder's 700 page playbook was on it's way to cash unemployment checks.  The Skins went out and signed DeAngelo Hall and traded for Jason Taylor for that outside pass rush.  We drafted a speedster in Devin Thomas, a big body WR in Malcolm Kelly, and Colt Brennan (Who I hated).

Then the season started...and we were 6-2 and the bandwagon was in full spring.  The only bad part was the season went on for eight more games, and I don't think I'll remember eight games more clearly. Picture six gut punches, two more times where you don't get punched, but he really scares you until you hit him.  The Skins ended that year and I actually got excited for the following year, cuz I'm a moron.

8. Vote The Redskins Ticket: Literally

So the year is 2008 and the Skins were 6-2ish.  Well, at that same time, I had just registered to vote for extra credit in History class and I was headed to the polls to vote in my own Democratic little way.  Well I'm in the little voting box thing and for one of the nubby positions I selected "Write In" and proceded to type in "Jim Zorn".  I was drunk off Kool Aid, and clearly "Horny for Zorny"

7. A Man Of Many Faces: Clinton Portis

Southeast Jerome

YESSSSSS.  Finally a bright spot in my list.  The Skins traded Champ Bailey for CP26, aka "Southeast Jerome", "Kid Bro Sweets", "Sherrif Gonna-Getcha", and other names and I'll always remember his first time touching the ball in a regular season game.  He took the ball right up the gut against the Bucs for a 64 yard TD run.  I was instantly hooked.

In a few seasons, he was really the only consistent player on the Redskins squads.  He amassed almost 7,000 yards in his seven years averaging 4.4 a clip, he found the endzone 49 times, and was a leader in the lockerroom and on the field...at least for most of it.  And I loved the costumes he would don for weekly interviews, he kept things lively and loose at Redskins Park in Ashburn.

Now I'm sure a lot of people think he was terrible for the team, but he was the first Skin I could look at as a "True Redskin".  I'm a 90s kid, I didn't get to see Riggo, Monk, Clark, Theisman, Butz, Mann, Manley, Hanburger, Harvey, Jacoby, Grimm, and Mosley play.  He was my first Redskins "legend".

6. The "Best 22 I'll Ever See": Mark Brunell Sets A NFL Record

It was a game in Houston in 2006.  I was at my Grandmommy's in Hyattsville, MD watching the game with the family.  Mark Brunell completed 22 consecutive passes.  I'll always remember that, what a terrible memory.

5. Don't Call It A Comeback: The Return of Joe Gibbs

I'll always remember this.  I was a freshman at DeMatha Catholic High School in the pre-smart phone era and there were rumors swirling about Joe Gibbs returning to the Redskins.  All I really knew about Joe was that he had led the Redskins to three Super Bowl victories and was an "Offensive genius", no one told me that label was given in 1981, but either way.  We had a Hall of Fame coach coming to back to the Skins.

Joe Gibbs took the team to a place I had never really seen, the playoffs.  In both 2005 and 2007 the Skins marched into the playoffs, the '07 campaign I remember the most vividly with the "5-0 or we don't go" mantra.  

Joe brought in players that Redskin nation loved in Chris Cooley, Clinton Portis, Sean Taylor, London Fletcher, and others.  Ultimately, Gibbs ended his second stint at 38-46 with a 1-2 record in the playoffs, but at least he brought us playoffs.

4. My Man Crush: The Mike Sellers Edition

Question:  Who's the sexiest, most talented, down to earth, dominant 6'3" two hundred and seventy three pound person on earth?

Answer:  This guy.  Not me, the picture below this.

Yes.  That's right.  Mike Sellers, aka "Caveman", "Bam-Bam", and "Dat Boy".  Mike was a bruising blocker as a lead runner for Clinton Portis, stud pass blocker for the thousand Redskins QBs he played with, and had some of the softest hands the NFL has seen on a man his size (Which allowed him to rack up 21 total TDs as a Skin).  

Mike Sellers is right up there on my Mount Rushmore of Redskins players (That I've watched, not of all time, chill) and is probably my favorite Redskin of all time.

And no, I didn't forget the time he was on the news and they surprised him with the news that he was having another baby girl, it's just the link on WJLA-ABC7's website is dead (I'm writing them an angry letter as we speak).  You'll just have to trust me it was a majestic moment.  

3. Alfred Does Dallas: December 30th, 2012

Finally, we're in 2012.  The new Redskin team, the team that's ripped off seven straight wins, the last one being the most majestic...let me paint you a word picture:

It's a cold, still night in Landover, the NFC East is on the line and the Dallas Cowboys are coming to town with America's Hype Machine shoved so far up their ass I see it poking out of Jerry Jone's wrinkly old catcher's mitt of a face.  The team that wins marches into the playoffs, loser goes home.  This is the type of game December football is built for.  

The crowd in FedEx Field (America's Largest Coffee Filter) is 98% Redskins, which is a miracle in itself that I'll get into soon, and they're hungry.  The Redskins take the field and they're hungry.  The Cowboys took the field and showed they had no hunger.  The Redskins game plan hardly changed, Alfred Morris pounded the Dallas D for 200 yards and three TDs, RGIII scored on a ten yard keeper,  and the maligned defense picked off Tony Romo (America's Choke Artist) and ripped the hearts out of the Dallas offense.  It was amazing.

I've seen a few great games against the Cowboys including the 14-13 miracle in Dallas, the game at FedEx where Cooley caught three TDs in a blow out, and the 2012 Thanksgiving Day game where RGIII blew the roof off Jerry's World, but Week 17 I'll take to my grave.

2. The Most Shocking Loss: Redskins Lose To Thai Food & Bowling

I never miss a Redskins game, like, never.  Preseason, regular season, post season I watch em all.  It can be a 52-0 win, or a 52-0 loss and I'm watching.  Except in the 2011 preseason game against the Buccaneers.  I had scheduled a date with a Blonde silly that night (I'm 90% sure it was a Thursday).

We got Thai food (Which I had never had before) and then proceded to go bowling where I got my ass handed to me, twice (The second game in heart breaking come-from-behind fashion).  I was a big fan of this girl, and to put it in math terms, She > Redskins.  You all probably think it's a pathetic #2 but it's my list so "Suck failure" (Credit for that quote to Anthony @MDs_Own).

1. ST21

When I decided to write this, it instantly became a question of what the other 9 spots will be.  There was no doubt in my mind the story of Sean Taylor was number one.  Call me bias, but there's no other spot for him on this list.

When Sean Taylor came into the league, he was a magnet for penalty flags for pass interference and unnecessary roughness as well as off the field troubles in 2004 and 2005.  He was a bit of a free lancer and was a very unpolished athlete instead of being a football player (There's a huge difference).  As his career wound on, he seemed to get his head on right, he had a kid, settled down with his girlfriend, and became a vocal leader and a big time play maker.  

Then November 2007 rolled around and you know the rest of story.  Sean's house in Miami was broken into, he got up to defend the house, and was shot.  The bullet severed his femoral artery and he passed away the next day.  I remember shedding a tear when I heard (Cuz I'm a wuss) and bro-hugging a few guys at DeMatha that day.  It was a crushing blow to the fans, and the team.  It destroyed Joe Gibbs, Clinton Portis, and others.

Kind of a sad end to this list, but I think a lot of guys my age remember this vividly as well.  It was my first real "sports disaster" and made me realize that sports has a huge affect on my life and lives in the DMV and it will always be planted in my brain.  

So that's my list, maybe you disagree with a lot of it and if you do, let me know, cuz I'd love to hear what you all remember most about the Redskins franchise.  Until next time, HTTR.

SamWow's Things: Year In Review 2012.

I'm baaaackkkkkkkk!

So I know I haven't posted in over a month and I have zippy excuses for you, the god's honest truth is I'm slothful, lazy, sluggish, indolent, idle, shiftless, and any other synonyms you can think of that go with that idea, and for that I truly apologize.  Even though I'll never speak to half of you or see your lovely faces (if you're a young lady with a lovely face, hit me up on Twitter/Facebook, information is below), I still feel as though I've let you all down, so this is how I'll make it up to you with The RealSamWow Year in Review 2012!

I was hoping that you read that the same way Oprah says "Oprah's favorite thinggggggggsss!" and all the middle aged women and their husbands go mad, jumping up and down and screaming.  This'll be just as good, maybe.  And if you look under your seat, you'll see the carpet/hardwood/tile or whatever else is under you.  Maybe there's some change in the couch, if so, you're welcome.  Let's start right about now.

The best thing I did in 2012 was (prepare for something on the opposite side of my usual craziness) find out that I have self esteem, confidence, and a bunch of those other qualities that makes someone a functioning adult.  I've learned to stay intact with my emotions and other stuff.  So that's all we'll talk about on that, cuz I don't wanna get all sappy and emotional.  Just know I'm kicking ass and feeling great, so chew on that, haters.

Probably the worst thing I did in 2012 let a lot of friendships fall to the wayside.  I was in a long term(ish) relationship and I put all my energy into that and blew off trips to Blacksburg, College Park, DC, and other places.  It's all my fault that it happened, and it's how I earned my nickname "Flakes", cuz I "always be flakin', Flakes".

Ok, so I just wanted to say the more serious things.  Now I'll dive into the silly, ridiculous, and amazing.

The most embarrassing thing I did in 2012 happened only a few months ago.  I was in Target trying on some new shirts and pants and stuff.  I wrapped up and walked out of the dressing rooms with my coat on and the clothes I was trying on in my hand.  And I realized I wasn't wearing a shirt, like, at all.  I was about twenty paces from the dressing rooms, clothes in hand, coat on, shirtless under.  A few people saw me and kinda gave me a "What da eff" look.

I just hope that somewhere, on a security camera,  your boy SamWow is wondering out of the rooms without a shirt, cuz I would love to see the sheer look of terror/embarassment/and (eventually) the smile and laugh that followed that moment.

I also took a few trips this year, so the prestigious award for best trip I took in 2012 comes down to my week in Bermuda, my couple of days in the Outer Banks, or my weekend in Virginia Tech.  I dunno which to choose, on one hand Bermuda was epic...but let's just say the memory is tainted....the OBX trip was good, but I was only there for a few days...and VT was amaz-balls except when that stuff happened that made it less than epic....and the winner is...the Outer Banks!

My few days in the OBX were packed with #shambles moments.

I spent two days drunk, driving, and hanging out with my lovely cousins.  I also shouldn't put "drunk" right next to "driving", I didn't do that.  I drove down there with my Bro (aka BroBeans) and smoked a cigar and sang "Whiter Shade of Pale", ate multiple burgers from multiple places, and drank multiple drinks full of drink, and smoked cigars with my best friends in the world.  There's also the annual "Cousin Bonding/Heart-to-Heart thing" that seems to come up yearly.  And for the record, I'm posing in the picture, that's not a natural moment.

I was going to do a "best movie of 2012" bit but I don't really remember all the movies I saw (Dark Knight, Hunger Games, uhhh...crap sandwich that's all I got) so instead I'll do a movie I watched a lot in 2012.  The movie was "I, Robot" for like the fourth straight year.  This was a terrible category.

Now I'll do some quick hitters and wrap this thing up...

Best sports moment of 2012 was Joel Ward's game winner against the Bruins.  Amazing night.

Best album purchase of 2012 was Naughty By Nature's Greatest Hits CD.

The thing I drank most of in 2012 that's not water or milk was whiskey, duh.  Beer a close second.

The thing I ate the most of in 2012 was buffalo wings, DUH.  Close second is salad, weird mix.

The drunkest I got in 2012 was probably in Blacksburg, or one of the nights on the Bermuda cruise, or something else all together.  Probably don't remember, I was drunk.

The thing I should have done way before 2012 is date a sportscaster.  Oh.  My.  God.  She was amazing.

The thing(s) I should have done more of in 2012; went to the gym more, eat more crab cakes, and quitting jobs.

That's all I got, this is mostly to get me back to blogging on a somewhat frequent basis so I avoid slipping down the path of crippling delusion, depression, and diarrhea 

See you soon, and Merry Christmas to you all!

Dreams, Part One

I keep a pen and paper next to my bed each night.  Why?  In case I have an awesome idea for a joke or a crazy dream to jot down in the middle of the night.

Sometimes that dream involves me literally stealing hobo's feet (I cut them off...), or me sewing together pairs of shoelaces to make new clothes, or my longest running dream of me chasing a blonde girl through a hardware store (Four years is kinda too long, in my humble opinion).

But I want to talk about the dream I had last night.  It was one of those rare (At least for me) dreams where I woke up really thinking about stuff.  Like life.  And life decisions.

It started off with me sitting on the fishing pier in the Outer Banks (Mile marker 19ish I believe) and I'm just chilling by myself for a bit, staring up at the sunset.  I hear a voice come up from behind and I turn to see a ten year old me walking up and sitting next to me.

This already sounds weird, but I'm gonna tell you anyways.  Cuz I love you, readers.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, we start talking and he's asking if I'm still friends with Michael, Ryan, Joe, Joel, and the other guys and girls.  He asks about what it's like to drive a car, to own video games, and to be six feet tall.  Then the little turd asks about what I'm doing for a job and I froze.

All the jobs I wanted flashed through my mind.  Photographer, firefighter, teacher, comedian, writer, phone man (Like Pop), director, and professional recess, uh, person.  And then I looked to Little SamWow and told him what I do, and he looked so damn sad.  Like, he'd never cry (Cuz I never have, and never will), but he was probably the closest he's ever come to it.

Then I ruined it and woke up in sleep deprived panic.  Like how you see in movies, where like, Jake Gyllenhaal wakes up, sits up, and puts his head in his hands like "Holy damn."  Except, I'm not Jake Gyllenhaal (I'm more of a Seth Rogen type if you listen to the dummies who tell me I look "just like him").  So I write it down after I come to my senses a bit and lay back down in the hopes of having one of those "If I Fall Back Asleep Fast Enough I Can Restart The Dream I Abruptly Ended By Waking Up Like An Idiot".  

Didn't work, like, at all.  Just tossed and turned for a bit before I passed back out and performed my daily morning routine of "Hear Alarm, Curse, Stumble Out Of Bed".

But it made me think, which is something I try to avoid, about what I am doing with my life.  I'm tired of the old "It's a bad job market" excuse and the "financial security" argument I keep making.  It's probably time that I just go ahead with my head held high and find the job I want and that I'll love.

So that's that.  Just had to get that off my chest, even though it's kinda cryptic.  I guess I just wanna say that every once in a while you should go back and talk to your ten year old self, you never know what that might be able to teach you.

SamWow and G-Cruz present -- Surviving Sandy

So at first this was going to be a ten really lame activities you can do to pass time while you're home from work tomorrow but insteadddd my friend the Gina's Blog and I have decided to grace your day with a whole list of storm themed cocktails!  I know I know...we're too kind.  YOU'RE WELCOME.  

Writer's challenge:  Drink all ten during the same storm and then recreate the picture at the end of the post. 

1.  Bye Bye Bahamas (too soon?)

- 1 dash banana Liqueur 

- 1 ounce Redrum 

- 6 ounces of fruit punch (Writer's Choice: Hawaiian Punch)

-1 maraschinos cherry

- 1 pineapple slice

- 1 orange slice

2. Dark and Stormy

- 2 ounces dark rum (Writer's Choice: Myer's)

- 3 ounces ginger beer (Writer's Choice: Saranac)

- 1/2 ounce of lime juice

3.  Mandatory Evacuation

- 2 ounces white rum (Writer's Choice: Railean White rum)

- 4 ounces Sprite

- a splash of grenadine

- lemon/lime wedges for garnish

4.  Tropical Storm

- 1 part banana liqueur

- 2 ounces white rum (Writer's Choice: Railean White rum)

- a splash of grenadine

- 4 ounces of orange juice 

- 1 sliced banana

- 1 cup of crushed ice

5.  The Cold Shower

- 4 ounces club soda

- 1 ounce Creme de Menthe

6.  The Flood Zone

- 2 ounces Kahlua

- 2 ounces Baileys Irish cream

7.  The Downed Power Line

- 1.5 ounces Railean Reserve XO dark rum

- 5 ounces Red Bull

8.  The Hurricane

- 4 ounces of Pat O'Brien's hurricane mix

- 2 ounces spiced rum (Writer's Choice: Captain Morgan)

9.  Category 5

- 1/2 ounce vodka (Writer's Choice: Tito's)

- 1/2 ounce Railean Blue Agave Spirit

- 1/2 Railean White rum

- 1/2 ounce bourbon (Writer's Choice: Maker's Mark)

- 1/2 ounce gin (Writer's Choice: Tanqueray)

- sweet and sour mix 

- splash of fruit juice

10.  Damn the Weather

- 1 tbsp of dry vermouth (Writer's Choice: Tribuno)

- 1 ounce gin (Writer's Choice: Tanqueray)

- tbsp orange juice

- 1 tsp triple sec

Your lovely (sober) authors, stay safe in the storm people.

Letter to my Wife, Part Two

To my wife, Eileen,

So there's something else I need to confess to you.  I was an Orioles fan my whole life, until eight years ago when the Nat's came "back" to town.  This is also my second marriage.  I think the root of it all is that when the Nat's came back to town...well, you're probably more worried about the marriage thing.  I'll talk on that for a while I guess.

Where should I start, well, I guess we'll go way back in the heart of the spring of 2008.  I was bitten and smitten by love, and she was a red head of all things, not a blonde, a redhead.  Let the magnitude of that sink in.

Me and my lady.

So I guess I'll tell you something about her.  Her name is Pam, we lusted after each other for about two years before we said our "I do's", and things moved way to fast.  That much I'm sure of.

I thought I was happy with her, I was smiling all the time, adjusting to my new life and suddenly, on May 18th, I watched her walk down the aisle and onto the stool.  I watched her lift the veil.  Her parents didn't come, I think they might be dead.  Doesn't matter, we weren't married long enough for me to find out.

You see, I "married" Pam Beesly from "The Office" in 2008.  It was another one of my jokes turned reality, cuz when you're a loud mouthed goon, people do these things to you.  They make you pay, always remember that; family is evil at heart.

Me and my lady, and my Grandmommy.

Also, if you couldn't tell by the pictures, the whole thing was a hoax; an elaborate plot.  Or a joke planned by my cousins (Mostly Jay-Breezy, I think) that was carried out to perfection.  And yeah, I'll break it all down....now.

As you can see, since the real Pam Beesly was occupied filming her show, we called up her sister, who looks a lot like a bottle of cooking spray.  My friend Anthony was supposed to be the best man/preacher, but he wanted to go home (...and from what I remember I jokingly said mean things to him about a garden hose), so he left and my cousin Scott officiated.  My replacement best man was a picture of my grade school best friend Andrew (See lapel), and Pam's bridal party was made up of my other cousins.

As far as other family members in the audience, we had my lovely Grandmommy (See picture) and my Mother (Picture unavailable).

After a quick ceremony that involved me kissing a bottle of Pam multiple times while pictures were taken, which is still a hilarious thing to me, we broke off for the reception.

The first of many.

Well, from here on out I think I'll just let the photographs tell the story from here on out with limited word-type interruptions from me.

I'm very sorry Eileen that I didn't tell you about this before, and that Pam is so attractive.  I'm kinda shocked that it didn't the more I think about it, I mean, I am a Carroll man after all.  We're cunning, funny, handsome people brimming with confidence and drive.  And we're just straight up winners, that can handle liquor like champions...Irish champions.

Enjoy the pictures and if you want to see anything else from the wedding, I have name cards and the "flowers" still in my desk drawer in the den, or as I like to call it "The Room with Bearwa Jima".  Enjoy the pictures, and call me, maybe?

Our cake, clearly I'm the gentleman on the left.

This is how weddings feel.

And I guess this was the beginning of the end.

The Accidental...Well, You'll See

If you know me, you probably know I have a knack for saying the right thing, interpreted as the wrong thing in the wrong way at the right time, but meant the right way.  I just re-read that and now I have a headache, but basically what I'm saying is I'm really good at saying one thing and it being taken the wrong way.  Like, really good at it.

I'm the King of bad jokes, terrible timing, pathetic pun-y puns (Get it?), and other things, but I mean well, I really do, please remember this as you read the story I'm about to tell you...

Many of you know I work in Downtown Washington DC for the USDA.  What many of you don't know is that throughout the USDA (And many other government agencies) have shuttles that take workers from place to place all day.  Some weeks, that shuttle is like my office.  I know when it will be late, I know the drivers personally, I know the schedule almost by heart (Which is really easy, it's just at the same two times every hour), and I know that the buses are white (How do I remember all these things?).

What I'm getting at is I have a story about riding the shuttle.  A pretty damn good one, that is if you like stories about me being a clown.  It's around lunch time and I'm standing outside South Building waiting for the shuttle with a bunch of people.

The bus comes, we pile on and we leave South.  I'm all the way in the back with the last open seat next to me.  We get to the first stop and a guy gets on and starts coming back towards me.

Being the outgoing person I am, or try to be, I want to welcome him to the shuttle.  We've been traveling for like half a mile together by this point so we're all practically family, why shouldn't Mr. Suit Guy feel like part of that?  So I rack my brain and I say "Good afternoon, welcome to the back of the bus." and flash him a smile.  In my brain, I'm celebrating, "Way to go, SamWow!  You're like the welcome wagon, they should start calling you SamWelcome!  You've earned a big ole' high five from someone for this!"

As I'm salsa dancing like Victor Cruz in my head, I look up and notice everyone is glaring at me, the lone whitey in the bus.  Then it hits me like a tidal wave.

I'm the only white guy on the bus, well, the only white guy who just made a innocent comment that got taken back to the Civil Rights movement by the nine black people on the bus.  All of the sudden I'm sitting next to Mr. Rosa Parks.  I'm not proud.

But here's the real kicker.  We get to my stop, and I'm the only one who's getting off at Patriot's Plaza III.  The only one, so I had too walk by everyone on the bus who hates me, bumping into a few, brushing against arms and legs on my way off.  When I got to the door, I thanked the driver and closed the door and didn't turn around.

These are the types of things that happen to me, SamWelcome...