Potty Talk

Okay, so I re-read this post and wanted to say something at the start. Writing this and reading the messages I got from you guys on the subject made me laugh till I cried. This was awesome, and the contributions from you guys made it what it is. Thanks for all the love, enjoy it (maybe).

So here we go, guys belly up to the bar and listen in, ladies, next door on the left please, you're time will come. Let's talk bathrooms. I just walked out of one and came back to the computer to type this blog post.

Now, the bathroom I just left is in my house, it's clean, comfortable, and has a fan.

The bathrooms I wanna talk about aren't. I wanna talk about public bathrooms. Office buildings, resturants, rest stops, and tons of other places have them, we've all used them, why not talk about the unwritten rules for each? I've contaced leading experts and you'll hear what they have to say as well as my views.

Okay so let's role play a bit here, we'll call this "Scenario #1". You're sitting at your desk reading America's Favorite Blog (The Real SamWow), sipping on some water and all the sudden your bladder is full. What do you do? You calmy rise from your seat, walk down the hall to the local bathroom, unzip, let it rip, and you're done right? Right. ("Unzip, let it rip" sounds different than it did in my head, aka it sounds kinda gross now.)

If you said "Yeah SamWow, you're right! I am done!" Well then you're wronger than all the people who think Lil Wayne is a great rapper (for you old timers, that's alot of people).

As soon as you touch that door handle there's unwritten rules that come into play and we're gonna start right about now...

Rule number one come to us from Mike (aka "Milford Swagga") who, like me, thinks when you're in the bathroom at a urinal, your eyes need to stay forward. There's nothing to your right or left that you need to see. Nothings creepier than some guy standing at a urinal looking all over the place, invading your private space, some funny look on their face (triple rhyme, come at me Weezy).

Now, the above rule segways nicely into rule number two, which Wesley (aka "The Ginga Ninja" aka "Supreme Ninja Overlord God") summed up nicely in a text saying "1, 3, 5". "Oh man, I wonder what that means?" Oh, glad you asked. Public restrooms on average have three urials and two stalls (totally made up). The "1, 3, 5 Rule" means if "Gentleman A" is at urinal #1, it automatically makes urinal #2 off limits for "Gentleman B", leaving urinal #3 the only option.

Now I know what you're thinking (I usually do), "But Sam, there's an open urinal. I need to pee, and I love how convient urinals are." We all do Bro, it's just too cramped then, you might bump your fellow bathroom patron on accident causing some embarassing stains and spillage. Don't take that risk. If you see all the urinals are full, turn to the stalls, if the stalls are full, then breifly consider the sink (don't pee in the sink), if the sink won't work, then belly up to urinal #2, eyes forwards, and do your duty.

Rule number three comes from my personal life coach Michael (aka "Mikey Dubbs" aka "The Arab"). Don't talk at the urinals. For the love of God, don't talk at a urinal. I don't know if it's cuz there's too many exposed um, body parts, or because it's just a weird place to say anything. What can you say? "How about the game?" or "How's work?" or "How's the dinnner? That girl you're with is fine."?

None of those things would sound good coming from a guy standing at a urinal. Also, I feel like if someone was going to talk to me at the urinal they'd have to be (A) right next to me which breaks the "1, 3, 5 Rule" and (B) his eyes might not be facing forwards breaking another rule. If he talks anywhere but at the sink, I'll cut him.

The number four rule I have for going "Secnario Number One" in the public bathroom is one I was reminded of by a man of great knowledge, you know who it is - Michael again. Michael texted me one final rule for his bathroom usage - "Shake twice so it doesn't look like you're playing with yourself." True dat Dubbs, true dat. I feel like that's pretty self explaintory for guys, you dont' want to walk into a bathroom and see and Bro convulsing at a urinal.

Okay now ladies, come back into the room cuz I have some advice to give from my girl Kelly (Fun fact, Kelly is a huge fan of Harriet Tubman and Samothy). I wish I had more and I'm sorry I don't but I never use women's bathrooms and didn't get too many responses (which makes Kelly a Champion) from girls I asked.

So onto Kelly's advice - "If you pee on the toilet seat clean it up." True that sister, I feel like it's more of a problem for girls but I've walked into some men's bathrooms where there's some pee-pee on the toilet seat. Lift up the damn seat guys, are you that lazy? Jeebas.

Now onto the "Scenario #2" aka "Taking a Dump". This is where stuff can really get iffy. Alot of people just flat out said "Don't do that in a public bathroom." and usually I agree until it becomes an emergency and I feel like most people agree. Now, the comments I got on this subject were pretty much the same.

Michael and Brian (aka "Brain" aka "Pass the SunChips Cracka") both agreed that if you gotta two, cover that toilet seat with double ply toliet paper before getting to work. Those little toilet seat covers they provide aren't enough. It's a piece of tissue paper, you can rip it just by picking it up. That's not enough to fight off toilet seat bacteria.

Hey science, get me a better seat cover. Balls in your court, nerds.

Okay, so my final rule I shouldn't even have to say. Always wash your hands. And wash them well. You're handling some stuff that's dirty. Some people do the "Foot Flush" and that's good, but still soap up in that sink. I'm tired of the guys who step up to the sink, look in the mirror, fix the tie and pants, and roll out. You're gross.

So that's all I got, I hope you guys like it and learn something (I spent like, five hours on it). I wanna thank all the people who helped with my "research" and tell them I love them all. Thanks for reading.