Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Danger, Sports!

Hi, my name is Sam, and I'm addicted to the Washington Redskins.  I've been addicted for, oh, I don't know, about twenty one years now...there was a brief time when I was born where I was addicted to a Shoppers Warehouse commercial but that's neither here nor there.

Jesus Christ, this idiot.  
Why am I writing about this?  I've made my love of the Redskins known for sometime now, I'm an addict, as I said, no one will ever doubt that.  I'm writing about this today cuz as of late, a lot of people have been coming up to me, talking football, and then saying "Why are you a Redskins fan?  They're terrible, root for a new team."

If you say that to me, you're a f****** idiot who clearly doesn't know much about football and upon hearing those words leave your mouth I instantly think "Gee, you'd fit perfectly in front of a fast moving bus".  You're the kind of "fan" that roots for the Cowboys, even though you were born in Hagerstown or Potomac.  You're just an asshole who likes to ruffle feathers with stupid, pointless jabs, misguided comments, or asshole-ian assholiness.  And I hate you for it.

Should it be that big a deal to me?  Probably not, it might be worth the gray hairs I have (At the ripe old age of 22).

Okay, back to my answer to the "Why are you still a Redskins question?", after I destroy them with harsh words, I straight up tell them it's cuz that's my hometown team.  That's how this stuff works.  Oh, you were born in Pittsburgh?  You should root for the Steelers.  Born in St. Louis?  Welcome to the Rams bandwagon.

Now, there are exceptions, say you live in New York, but your parents are from Miami and have always rooted for the Dolphins.  Free pass to root for the 'Fins.  Congrats.  That's the exception.  I dunno why  I said "exceptions".
R-Jesus

The Redskins are in my blood.  My father is a Skins fan, my uncles, my cousins, and most of my friends, or at least the ones I truly care about.

I live and die with that team, and people wanna know "Since they always suck why not jump ship?"  Well, cuz I watched the Caps go from cellar dwellers to the top, the Nats go from "also rans" to hopefully (Fingers crossed) perennial pennant winners.  Maybe it's some incredible false hope that I have that one day (Cue dramatic music), one day in February, I will stand on Pennsylvania Avenue, shoulder to shoulder with my burgundy and gold clad Brothers, as the parade winds down the street to chants of "Hail to the Redskins".

Honest to God I would weep.  So I dunno what else to say, I love my team, so back off.  Love your team.  This feels like an oddly angry post with uh, no real flow at all haha.

Until next time.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

My "Last" Christmas Prank

My friend just posted something that started "A few days late but..."  so I jumped in with about eight pregnancy jokes, then her mom messaged me.  Granted, her mom was pretty upset.

But, it reminded me of a story from when I was in my sophomore year of college at AACC that I wanna tell everyone, any maybe give them some ideas, or maybe it just makes me a super terrible person.  You decide.

I was dating a girl who had shattered my world about a year before but being a dumb, younger person.  I'm easily friend zoned, I'm gonna write about that one soon.

So back to the point,  Christmas time came around and I was just joking around with a few friends of mine when I said "Wouldn't it be hilarious if I got (To protect her identity lets call her "Dexy's Midnight Runner") her some baby clothes and baby supplies and put them under her familys' Christmas tree?"

We all laughed, we all thought it would be epic, a prank to be talked about for the ages.  So I went to Target.  And bought some baby clothes, a binkie thing, and almost one of those pumps for breast milk, but those were expensive, but looking at them made me laugh.

I checked out, told the cashier a bit about my prank and he laughed a bit and made a joke along the lines of "Cheaper that child support man.  That stuffs a bitch." and I went home, one hundred percent confident in my prank that had been approved by a few of my friends and a random cashier.  What more did I need?

I wrapped the presents in my traditional Legal Pad wrapping paper (Which is really just sheets off a legal pad taped hastily around a box.) and got ready to take them over to Dexy's Midnight Runner's house.  I went over to pick her up for dinner and as she as upstairs getting ready, I ran out, grabbed the gifts and put them under the tree and we left for dinner.

Three days went by and it was finally Christmas morning, which means I was probably awake at four in the morning chomping at the bit to see what was under my families Christmas tree.  Around ten thirty, I got a text message from Dexy's Midnight Runner's brother, let's call him Pete, cuz that's his name, saying "Holy shit.  Did you send these?" with a picture of baby clothes attached.

At first I laughed, a lot.  I forwarded the text and picture to all who knew about the prank, except the cashier, and it got rave reviews.  From my friends.

Around eleven, I was headed to my Grandmommy's for the big family bash, and my phone went off.  I looked down and saw a text from Dexy that read, well, it was a lot of words people don't like me using on this blog.  Safe to say she wasn't happy with it.  Cuz her parents grilled her for about twenty minutes, which may have (Which means it did happen) ended in a pregnancy test.  " Classic joke." 


When the various friends texted me back later, they all wanted to know what happened and how it went down.  Once I told them, they all basically said something along the lines of "Yeah, it never really sounded like the best idea."  I just kept asking "Why didn't you stop me?"  And they all said "It was hilarious, mostly cuz we wouldn't suffer from what would happen after."


So long story short, don't buy a girl your dating baby stuff.  It will bite you right in the ass.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

SamWow Versus the Needle

One thing a lot of people don't know about me is that I have something my old dentist once called "White Coat Syndrome".  This basically means I'm terrified of doctors, I get nervous, jumpy, can't focus, and it's just a stupid thing that I need to get over.  I mean, I still go to doctors and stuff, but it's an ordeal.

I used to be afraid of needles, which is a very common thing apparently.  Why the hell would I have wanted some stranger stabbing around, looking for veins or something. How do you do it heroin addicts?

Seriously, tell me.  Hit me up on Twitter, @therealSamWow.  Moving right along.

So after that epic little build up, today I gave blood for the second time in my life.  The first time, I'll admit, I did it for two tickets to a Capitals game at the PhoneBooth (Also known as the Verizon Center) and a sweet Peter Bondra bobblehead.  I'm not totally proud, but it was my first Caps game, they won, and the bobblehead is pretty sweet.

So today, probably two years after I first gave blood, the Armed Services Blood Program (See the website here) came to my building for a blood drive.  I saw the big poster outside and figured this would be a great way to knock out my "Good Deed of the Day" (I also helped some tourists while I was waiting for a bus, so two good deeds) and help out some active military members across the world (Maybe, I dunno where the blood goes).  Plus, snacks, t-shirts, and other swag.

 So I walked in, signed up, went through all the preliminary stuff and then sat down for the interview and they asked me to repeat my name and date of birth.  With great, great, great confidence, I replied "Samuel David Carroll, March 14th, 1990."

The lady looked at me kinda puzzled and said "Are you sure?"  I laughed at her, cuz ya know, I've been fairly certain of that information for about twenty two years, unless my parents lied about my name and I'm really named Tug.  Sadly not true.

So anyways, she shows me the paper that the lady filled out for me and it shows that my name, according to what they read off my drivers license, my name is "David Samuel Carroll, born on March 14th, 1980".  Classic.

So after we got all that straightened out, I was good to go.  Walked into the room and started joking around with the people, talking, shooting the breeze, and telling everyone how nervous I am about needles, doctors, and all that other stuff.  Next thing I know, I look down and my own blood is running through the tubes and there's a needle in my arm.  Took it like a champion.

And seeing how all I do is talk, I talked the whole time to everyone.  Then it was all over, nothing to be scared of.  It's shockingly easy, and it's something I plan on doing a lot of in the future.  One pint of blood can save three lives, and I think that's pretty great.  Good deed done.

Oh yeah, at the end, they gave me cheesecake so I wouldn't faint or die or something.  I also got a sweet new coffee cup.  And the epic bandaging job you see below, pink wrap with a red bow.  Boom.


So that's all I have to say.  I donated blood today, I plan on doing it more, and I think everyone should do it at least once if they're medically cleared.  Links are below, and I'll be going back after September 20th if anyone wants to come with.

Armed Services Blood Program (ASBP) and then there's always American Red Cross.  Do it to save a life, or lives, and feel really good doing it.  

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Bring My Lover Back

She left me in February.  After years and years of dating on and off, I always go back to her, sure as the seasons change, the wind blows, and the hands of time march onward, I will always return to her.

Who is she you ask?  The one that marks the end of my summer romances, the one who I can spend hours with on weekends and occasional weeknights, depending on her schedule.

The relationship can be a roller coaster though, some weeks are ups, others downs.  Sometimes she hurts me for weeks, other times she puts a smile on my face for a month, but like a drug addict, I will always need that rush.

Who is she you ask?  Some blonde bombshell?  Beautiful brunette?  Ravishing (And of course, soul less) red?  Wrong, wrong, and wrong again, friend.

Her full, legal name is "The National Football League", and she is the one for me.  I love baseball, I spend my summers with her, but as soon as the leaves begin to turn, the air gets a chill, and men put on pads and beat the shit out of each other, baseball just seems, well, too plain, too boring for my likes.

All ridiculous writing and romanticizing aside, football season is right around the corner, and I couldn't be happier.  I've been talking about it with friends, reading the latest news, and counting down the days until the season kicks off.

Now, if you walked my bedroom, you might notice a few things.  One, I try to keep a clean room.  Two, why do I still have a twin bed if I'm too big for it?  And three, there's a few Redskins things on the wall.  Like a giant FatHead of the Skins helmet, poster of the 1932 World Champion Redskins team, poster of Sonny Jurgensen, Redskins basketball hoop and basketball, giant Redskins blanket, team plaques for the three Redskins Super Bowl Champion teams ('83, '87, & '91) and the matching beer steins, and then there's the wall color, which may or may not be burgundy and gold walls.

You could say there is a theme to the room.  Now, for those of you who really know me, you know that I live and die with the Redskins on Sunday, it's that emotional rush that makes the football season so magical to me, but it also means after losses, I have to sleep in hell.  I have to go to bed staring at all this Redskins stuff, getting more upset and disturbed that the Redskins always seem to choke in the red zone, or Ladell Betts tripped over the four yard line (I know, I know, yes that was years ago but it clearly still bothers me to no end.  IT'S JUST A LINE!  HOW DID YOU FALL OVER?  I'm ranting. I do that a lot.)

But sleeping in that room after a tough loss can be a nightmare.  Sleeping in it after a big win is the best sleep of my life.  It's a terribly awesome hell I live in.  And I love every minute.

Football is just amazing, I feel like that's all I'm really saying here.  It's the roar of the crowds, the deep bombs, the amazing tackles, the back breaking runs, the acrobatic interceptions, the slow motion instant replays, agony of defeat, and the sweet, sweet ecstasy of victory.

I know some people, well, a lot of people, think it's insane how on game can affect my mood for a few days, or how it can affect who I socialize with on certain days (Both "Dallas Weeks" are my favorite weeks of the year), or how it can bring a group of people t who have never met, together for three hours over a game.

Okay, I'm getting myself too worked up right now.  The point is, football is right around the corner, and it's basically what America is all about haha.

Until next time, follow my random thoughts on Twitter @therealSamWow.




Thursday, July 19, 2012

SamWow versus the Gym, Round 2

Hey all, in May I talked all this game about going to the gym more, getting in shape, and since then...I haven't done jack shit.  Until this week.

This week, I've been on my grind.  I've went to the gym Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.  Ran on the treadmill, something I never do, lifted weights, stretched (Which I never do), and had one of the most awkward moments of my life.

I'm on the fly machine, wrapping up my Monday workout and I got my music playing and I'm just in the zone man.  A girl comes up and asks "Hey are you almost done on the machine?" to which I replied, like a dumbass "Sorry, I have a girlfriend."  Then got up, and walked away.  Yep.  That's all I have to say about that, my friends have laughed enough about it.  Embarrassing.

So yeah, these past two days I didn't go to the gym at all.  Went out with a friend Wednesday night and got home a little buzzed and just did some cardio at home and today I played tennis in that thousand degree heat so I probably lost like, thirty pounds.

Yeah, I'm working on it people, I know you don't really care, but I wanna put it out there.  It makes me think that people are reading it and they're gonna check up on my gym progress.  I'm using this to guilt me into going all the time.

Thanks.  I promise my next post will be better.


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Your Thoughts (Mostly Mine Though)

Okay, so I have some new, different, possibly fun and exciting things in the hopper.  I've hired a research and devlopment department to handle the sudden over flow of ideas, fan mail, tweets, and they even eat and sleep for me, things I clearly can no longer afford to do myself since I have a job and people keep bothering me about this blogging thing.

I've wanted to do a post like this for a while, but my trip to Bermuda, weekend drinking in West Virginia, and other little day to day things keep on getting in the way.  Here we go.


Number One - It's stupid hot in the District area this week, and the last couple of weeks.  I have a picture of some beers I had in Bermuda sitting in my cubical at work and all I want to do is drink it.  I look at the beer everyday, I'm sitting in the Real SamWow Offices beer-less.  Also, my Michael Jordan card is right under it, it looks like he's dunking in the porter.  Basically I really want a beer.


Number Two - In my building at work we have a cleaning company.  The cleaning company has two women of Hispanic origin that work my floor and today I was walking around the corner and heard them talking in Spanish.  Or Portuguese, or something, I'm no expert.  As soon as I turned the corner, it went dead silent and they just stared at me.


Going with my usual routine, I said "Good afternoon." and kept walking.  They started whispering.  I have no idea what they said, or what they were saying, but I'm assuming my cube will never get vacuumed, or the trash taken out.  Or maybe I'll find a dead chicken head on my seat.  What did I do?

Number Three - I just realized my blog title doesn't really make sense, none of these are "Your Thoughts", so I added the extra title.  That's how I roll.

Number Four - Steve Nash is one of the most entertaining athletes out there.  He's up with with Peyton Manning and Shaq on the Mt. Rushmore on entertaining athletes.  Here's the link to his latest commercial, just click here. It's hilarious.

Number Five - Do I have enough for a fifth post?  Not really.  What I can give you is a teaser of my next post, it's going to be a terrible teaser though.

My next post will be the first post where I pay money, my own damn money, to bring you, the reader, intense pleasure that nothing else can provide.  Like heroin laced with unicorn farts, this is gonna be amazing. Or terrible, or the most likely option, it will be a middle of the road "I laughed, I cried, I lost fifteen pounds" type of post that I'm known for.

Until then.  Pax.

Monday, July 2, 2012

My Year(s) on the Road - Part Four (Section B?)

So let's continue the tales from my Bermuda trip from June on 2012.  I left you all with the 18" drawbridge, but the day did not end there.  Let's keep this going.


The morning of day two, our only full day on the island, we woke up early to head out snorkeling.  We piled off the cruise ship and onto a glass bottom boat and headed four miles out into the beautiful, blue, crystal clear ocean with Capitan Paul, Seabiscut, and the quiet guy leading us.

Side view of the glass bottom boat.
So after trying to describe what we saw, I think I'm just going to put up pictures and caption them.  I'll describe it all briefly, but images are better than words.

The first site was a shipwreck, this is how clear it was from 30 feet above.

Underwater camera's are awesome, even if they eat batteries.


This was at the second site, where the water was calmer and a lot shallower.

Crazy coral.
So that sum's up snorkeling pretty well, it was legendary.  Really cool stuff underwater.  MOVING ON!

After we got back on the boat, showered, and ate some lunch we headed towards the docks for the 3:00 ferry boat to St. Georges, the old capital of Bermuda.  Or I guess the historic capital.  If I hadn't used the proper word there it would have bothered me for a while.


So the ferry ride was about forty minutes around the island and we arrived with about three hours to explore the island.  I'm gonna just post a bunch of pictures and jump in and out with commentary.


Oldest English Anglecian Church in the Western Hemisphere (I think,
I could be wrong, but a church is a church)

The former rectory.

After a few hours of exploring, we needed some down time so we squatted
at a little bar and grille right on the water with this view.

Add caption

Beautiful park.

View of the docks near the ferry stop.
St. Georges was awesome.  Beautiful, quiet, colorful, everything you could really want in a tropical town, if you're me.  It even had an epic waterfront bar/grille.

So as our time on the island drew to a close, Kelly and I went to a little brewery/pub near the docks called the "Frog and Onion" for a nice little dinner date where we drank many beers and ate fish-n-chips and giant burgers covered in blue cheese and onion straws before heading back to a big old party they were having that night in the docks...that we were too late for.  But I bought a painting.  Cuz I'm classy.

Finally, it was our final morning in Bermuda.  Kelly and I had grand ideas of waking up early and going exploring for a bit more, but instead we woke up late and headed to the fort right near the dock before having to board the ship for home.

Pictures are below, and that will conclude the Bermuda trip.  It was flawless, epic, and I'd go back in a heartbeat.

These are the beers from the pub,  In case you were wondering.

The first picture of the fort.  The shutters are closed on the windows because on
the anniversary of the fort they fired the cannons and blew out all of the
windows, the hand made, new windows.