Letter to my Wife, Part Two

To my wife, Eileen,

So there's something else I need to confess to you.  I was an Orioles fan my whole life, until eight years ago when the Nat's came "back" to town.  This is also my second marriage.  I think the root of it all is that when the Nat's came back to town...well, you're probably more worried about the marriage thing.  I'll talk on that for a while I guess.

Where should I start, well, I guess we'll go way back in the heart of the spring of 2008.  I was bitten and smitten by love, and she was a red head of all things, not a blonde, a redhead.  Let the magnitude of that sink in.

Me and my lady.

So I guess I'll tell you something about her.  Her name is Pam, we lusted after each other for about two years before we said our "I do's", and things moved way to fast.  That much I'm sure of.

I thought I was happy with her, I was smiling all the time, adjusting to my new life and suddenly, on May 18th, I watched her walk down the aisle and onto the stool.  I watched her lift the veil.  Her parents didn't come, I think they might be dead.  Doesn't matter, we weren't married long enough for me to find out.

You see, I "married" Pam Beesly from "The Office" in 2008.  It was another one of my jokes turned reality, cuz when you're a loud mouthed goon, people do these things to you.  They make you pay, always remember that; family is evil at heart.

Me and my lady, and my Grandmommy.

Also, if you couldn't tell by the pictures, the whole thing was a hoax; an elaborate plot.  Or a joke planned by my cousins (Mostly Jay-Breezy, I think) that was carried out to perfection.  And yeah, I'll break it all down....now.

As you can see, since the real Pam Beesly was occupied filming her show, we called up her sister, who looks a lot like a bottle of cooking spray.  My friend Anthony was supposed to be the best man/preacher, but he wanted to go home (...and from what I remember I jokingly said mean things to him about a garden hose), so he left and my cousin Scott officiated.  My replacement best man was a picture of my grade school best friend Andrew (See lapel), and Pam's bridal party was made up of my other cousins.

As far as other family members in the audience, we had my lovely Grandmommy (See picture) and my Mother (Picture unavailable).

After a quick ceremony that involved me kissing a bottle of Pam multiple times while pictures were taken, which is still a hilarious thing to me, we broke off for the reception.

The first of many.

Well, from here on out I think I'll just let the photographs tell the story from here on out with limited word-type interruptions from me.

I'm very sorry Eileen that I didn't tell you about this before, and that Pam is so attractive.  I'm kinda shocked that it didn't the more I think about it, I mean, I am a Carroll man after all.  We're cunning, funny, handsome people brimming with confidence and drive.  And we're just straight up winners, that can handle liquor like champions...Irish champions.

Enjoy the pictures and if you want to see anything else from the wedding, I have name cards and the "flowers" still in my desk drawer in the den, or as I like to call it "The Room with Bearwa Jima".  Enjoy the pictures, and call me, maybe?

Our cake, clearly I'm the gentleman on the left.

This is how weddings feel.

And I guess this was the beginning of the end.

Fantasies, and my Wife.

So this is going to be the start of a "exciting" and "funny" new series of posts I'm going to be writing called "Letters for my Wife" in which, I will be writing letters to my wife explaining, well, me.  This can't bite me in the ass down the road.

Also, I'll try not to forget that I want to make this a series so you all won't be all like "It's been six years since you wrote a letter to your wife".  I'll just start --

"My Dearest Anne,

It's the end of August, schools are reopening, beaches are emptying, and for some terrible reason skirt/sundress season is ending, but there is some good news!

Fall is right around the corner!  Leaves changing, the kids are going back to school, the temperature is going down, Oktoberfest beers are coming out out, and football is right around the corner.

But that's not why I'm writing this to you, let's take a ride on the "way back machine".

Do you remember when we met two years ago?  The first time you came over and noticed the scent of "strong mahogany and cheap plastic painted gold" in my bed?  And how you thought is was cute that all my friends and I used to watch football games together every Sunday?  And when our first son was born, we named him Steven Jackson because you thought when I yelled "God damnit!  It's Steven Jackson or nothing!"?

Well, it's time I come clean.  I'm addicted to fantasy football and I have been for years.  The smell in my bed was the 1615 League Championship Trophy, also known as "The Blerta".  After I won Her, she slept next to me in my bed each night.  Were there mornings where I woke up with cuts and bruises from sleeping with a four foot tall trophy?  Yes, that's bound to happen when you're intimate with a trophy, but they were worth it one hundred percent of the time.

And as far as all my friends coming over to watch games, they're all in the League as well.  We spend the week coming up with new ways to insult each other and put each other down and on Sunday we get together to enjoy each others agony and keep each others jubilation in check.  Cuz we love each other dearly.

Oh, and you might want me to go back to the naming of our son thing.  I was on the phone at the time with my buddy Anthony, and we were debating a trade.  He was trying to trade rape me by giving me the Redskins defense, Vernon Davis, and some Cubans for Calvin "Megatron" Johnson. I told him that if he swapped the Redskins defense out of the trade for Steven Jackson, we'd have a deal.  He was trying to stiff me and was all like "I won't budge blah, blah, emotions."  We were in the middle of that conversation when Steven was being born...you probably look really mad at me right now, but just remember -- it's Anthony's fault.  We can make him move out.

It feels really good to get this off my chest, Anne.  It was something I had buried deep down inside, and  now it's something I feel as though we can share.

I just have two last things to say, first is I love you, second is would you start Matt Forte against the Pack or Michael Turner against the Panthers?

Love, SamWow

--The Voice of Awesome"