Hello there, old friends. If anyone's still reading this site, I'd like to apologize for the lack of posts up in here for the past few months, sometimes you just don't have anything to write. Sometimes you have something to write but don't want to sound too serious or get too preachy, this is a kid's show after all.
Well, this one might be a wee bit preachy. Maybe serious. Maybe neither. Maybe you'll stop reading after this, who would blame you? Not me.
I enjoy meeting new people, almost as much as I enjoy people watching at baseball games (Hello, ladies), and I'm lucky enough to meet a lot of them through my friends, co-workers, family, and the daily "Freak Fest" I ride each day that some people call the WMATA Metro.
I dunno how to really create some witty, clever way to introduce this while still teaching you a valuable lesson, so I'll just say it and we'll go from there. Here we go.
When you meet new people, don't sugarcoat yourself. Be the guy or gal you are usually. If you're an overly nice person, be nice. If you like to crack jokes, crack jokes. If you like to dance like a clown, dance like a clown. Why put up some phony front that you'll have to keep up everytime you see that person? It's a waste of time. Be real man.
There's no need for the "kid gloves" with a new person.
That's really all, I just wanted to do a lil something to try and get me back into the blog-thing.
Oh, there is one exception to this rule...if she's hot. If she's hot, you always lie.
Showing posts with label Don't Call It a Comeback. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Don't Call It a Comeback. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Your Thoughts (Mostly Mine Though)
Okay, so I have some new, different, possibly fun and exciting things in the hopper. I've hired a research and devlopment department to handle the sudden over flow of ideas, fan mail, tweets, and they even eat and sleep for me, things I clearly can no longer afford to do myself since I have a job and people keep bothering me about this blogging thing.
I've wanted to do a post like this for a while, but my trip to Bermuda, weekend drinking in West Virginia, and other little day to day things keep on getting in the way. Here we go.
Number One - It's stupid hot in the District area this week, and the last couple of weeks. I have a picture of some beers I had in Bermuda sitting in my cubical at work and all I want to do is drink it. I look at the beer everyday, I'm sitting in the Real SamWow Offices beer-less. Also, my Michael Jordan card is right under it, it looks like he's dunking in the porter. Basically I really want a beer.
Number Two - In my building at work we have a cleaning company. The cleaning company has two women of Hispanic origin that work my floor and today I was walking around the corner and heard them talking in Spanish. Or Portuguese, or something, I'm no expert. As soon as I turned the corner, it went dead silent and they just stared at me.
Going with my usual routine, I said "Good afternoon." and kept walking. They started whispering. I have no idea what they said, or what they were saying, but I'm assuming my cube will never get vacuumed, or the trash taken out. Or maybe I'll find a dead chicken head on my seat. What did I do?
Number Three - I just realized my blog title doesn't really make sense, none of these are "Your Thoughts", so I added the extra title. That's how I roll.
Number Four - Steve Nash is one of the most entertaining athletes out there. He's up with with Peyton Manning and Shaq on the Mt. Rushmore on entertaining athletes. Here's the link to his latest commercial, just click here. It's hilarious.
Number Five - Do I have enough for a fifth post? Not really. What I can give you is a teaser of my next post, it's going to be a terrible teaser though.
My next post will be the first post where I pay money, my own damn money, to bring you, the reader, intense pleasure that nothing else can provide. Like heroin laced with unicorn farts, this is gonna be amazing. Or terrible, or the most likely option, it will be a middle of the road "I laughed, I cried, I lost fifteen pounds" type of post that I'm known for.
Until then. Pax.
I've wanted to do a post like this for a while, but my trip to Bermuda, weekend drinking in West Virginia, and other little day to day things keep on getting in the way. Here we go.
Number One - It's stupid hot in the District area this week, and the last couple of weeks. I have a picture of some beers I had in Bermuda sitting in my cubical at work and all I want to do is drink it. I look at the beer everyday, I'm sitting in the Real SamWow Offices beer-less. Also, my Michael Jordan card is right under it, it looks like he's dunking in the porter. Basically I really want a beer.
Number Two - In my building at work we have a cleaning company. The cleaning company has two women of Hispanic origin that work my floor and today I was walking around the corner and heard them talking in Spanish. Or Portuguese, or something, I'm no expert. As soon as I turned the corner, it went dead silent and they just stared at me.
Going with my usual routine, I said "Good afternoon." and kept walking. They started whispering. I have no idea what they said, or what they were saying, but I'm assuming my cube will never get vacuumed, or the trash taken out. Or maybe I'll find a dead chicken head on my seat. What did I do?
Number Three - I just realized my blog title doesn't really make sense, none of these are "Your Thoughts", so I added the extra title. That's how I roll.
Number Four - Steve Nash is one of the most entertaining athletes out there. He's up with with Peyton Manning and Shaq on the Mt. Rushmore on entertaining athletes. Here's the link to his latest commercial, just click here. It's hilarious.
Number Five - Do I have enough for a fifth post? Not really. What I can give you is a teaser of my next post, it's going to be a terrible teaser though.
My next post will be the first post where I pay money, my own damn money, to bring you, the reader, intense pleasure that nothing else can provide. Like heroin laced with unicorn farts, this is gonna be amazing. Or terrible, or the most likely option, it will be a middle of the road "I laughed, I cried, I lost fifteen pounds" type of post that I'm known for.
Until then. Pax.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Bring Em Back
Sports. Action movies. Food. Booze. Staring at and talking about women. These are all things that bring men together as a group to talk, bond, and get drunk. Actually, all of those things can be done/lead up to getting drunk. Watch "Waterworld" drunk and you'll really enjoy it.
There's another place where men are gathered together in a huddled mass, looking forward into the future. Or, at least forwards into a tile backsplash, cinderblock wall, or maybe just some plywood blocking you from the elements.
That place is a bathroom, with a trough.
Now this is not the ideal place to bond. Never try to bond when a man when you're in the bathroom or anywhere were genitalia are exposed. Way to risky. Walk up to a guy, lean on the wall, and say "Hey man, come here often?" will always be really creepy if skin is exposed that's in the pelvic area. Don't do it.
Back on topic. Troughs are great, it's a great way to eliminate lines at bathrooms in stadiums, arenas, and ballparks. All you need is like a ten foot long steel/porcelain/stone, well, trough, a single drain, and a bout ten urinal cakes to spread around the bottom so the whole place doesn't start to smell like straight asparagus pee.
Now, I know girls will think that this is gross that men can just congregate around a giant toilet with no stall walls or doors and just unzip and let it rip, but I mean, if you put a shot glass on the floor and told a guy that was the toilet, he'd pee innit. We're guys, we don't care where we go to the bathroom, as long as we get to "pee-pee" or "make doody" we're pretty damn happy.
Some of you may be thinking "Wow, I really think SamWow is right (again) and how it must be really mentally taxing to be batting 1.000 when it comes to being right but someone has to do it." but hopefully you're thinking that "He's right, and there need to be more troughs in public restrooms so I can be one with my fellow man." First of all, I told you that is not why we men enjoy troughs. You need to listen more. It's all about the ease and convenience of being able to pee and walk away after a rousing game of urinal cake hockey with the guy three streams down.
Save the troughs my friends, save them. By the way, I'm back.
There's another place where men are gathered together in a huddled mass, looking forward into the future. Or, at least forwards into a tile backsplash, cinderblock wall, or maybe just some plywood blocking you from the elements.
That place is a bathroom, with a trough.
Back on topic. Troughs are great, it's a great way to eliminate lines at bathrooms in stadiums, arenas, and ballparks. All you need is like a ten foot long steel/porcelain/stone, well, trough, a single drain, and a bout ten urinal cakes to spread around the bottom so the whole place doesn't start to smell like straight asparagus pee.
Now, I know girls will think that this is gross that men can just congregate around a giant toilet with no stall walls or doors and just unzip and let it rip, but I mean, if you put a shot glass on the floor and told a guy that was the toilet, he'd pee innit. We're guys, we don't care where we go to the bathroom, as long as we get to "pee-pee" or "make doody" we're pretty damn happy.
Some of you may be thinking "Wow, I really think SamWow is right (again) and how it must be really mentally taxing to be batting 1.000 when it comes to being right but someone has to do it." but hopefully you're thinking that "He's right, and there need to be more troughs in public restrooms so I can be one with my fellow man." First of all, I told you that is not why we men enjoy troughs. You need to listen more. It's all about the ease and convenience of being able to pee and walk away after a rousing game of urinal cake hockey with the guy three streams down.
Save the troughs my friends, save them. By the way, I'm back.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Ha Ha Business! That's for you Brian...
Oh man...so pressure from my friends and family has mounted and I'm doing another blog post.
This is the blog post by the way. It started right up there.
Well, I hope you can tell unless me not blogging for a while has affected your collective mental capacity to know what things are. Hey, don't wipe your ass with that shard of glass, and that girl you're looking at who you think might be a seven, might also be a thirty year old...dude. So I dunno why the blog has been running so slow. Well, actually I do know, but I wanna spew out some random things before I get to the climax of this post.
This climax will be disappointing...trust me. Also, feel free to insert any jokes you'd like to in there. I don't mind really. I'll give you a moment.
Okay, so you good now? Now I'll tell you some lame things. Like that I went from drinking "real beer", you know, the beer that comes in bottles, to stuff like Bud Light, Miller Lite (Kelly, that one's your fault.), and of course my personal local favorite, Natty Boh (Which I drink in excess with my Matty Boh.). Sure, it tastes like liquid garbage, but it's a Brotherhood thing, and you wouldn't understand.
I like whiskey. I also like how this is seeming to take a turn towards the "Is Sam an alcoholic?" question. Which if it is, I'll tell you a story.
My friend Anthony once told me "You'll be a non-functioning alcoholic by the age of 24.". I dunno how old I was when this happened, but in my head I was probably like, seventeen, sober as a priest (Which after knowing the priest I know and partying with him, that statement doesn't mean much. According to that, it means I was sober enough...to not drive. Cuz I woulda crashed the car and died.). Wait, is "sober as a priest" even a saying? I guess a Google search could clear all that up...but the internet search bar thing is all the way up there. So screw it. It's a saying now.
But for the record, I'm not an alcoholic. But I also have three years to get on that so we'll see.
What else. Well, I'm sitting at my desk. Which I moved a few feet from where it used to be in my room. Now get your socks ready, cuz I'm about to knock them off...I also moved my bed over towards the center of the room.
I'll give you a moment to retrieve your socks.
That's really it as far as room re-arrangement. I know that was an exciting bulletin.
Now where to go to next in this Orange Crush fueled rant....I know. Stop bitching about Facebook changing. Seriously, if it really bothers you that much quit it right away. If you're my age, you grew up with computers. We know how to work them pretty well by now, it takes what, like a minute to see "Oh, there's my news feed thing. And my photos. And the photos of that hot girl...oh my God. Look at her...she's so hot." As long as you can still creep someone on Facebook even a little bit, we're all gonna stay on it.
Ugh. So here comes the climax, are you excited? No. I'm not really feeling it either. I wrote all this in HTML format. That's not the climax, but it had to be done. It's amazing I remember any of it cuz the whole time I took it I was high on pain killers, right Anthony? Right. But I need your ideas! Please people, you all know me, you know what I like and that I love writing this blog. It's killed me, but I've had no ideas. I've tried for some, and I have a few scraps ready to go for after this but please, I'll leave my contact information below...come at me with stuff damnit!
Facebook - SamWowCarroll
Twitter - @therealSamWow
E-Mail - samcarroll9@gmail.com
Phone - 867-5309
Carroll Out...for now.
This is the blog post by the way. It started right up there.
Well, I hope you can tell unless me not blogging for a while has affected your collective mental capacity to know what things are. Hey, don't wipe your ass with that shard of glass, and that girl you're looking at who you think might be a seven, might also be a thirty year old...dude. So I dunno why the blog has been running so slow. Well, actually I do know, but I wanna spew out some random things before I get to the climax of this post.
This climax will be disappointing...trust me. Also, feel free to insert any jokes you'd like to in there. I don't mind really. I'll give you a moment.
Okay, so you good now? Now I'll tell you some lame things. Like that I went from drinking "real beer", you know, the beer that comes in bottles, to stuff like Bud Light, Miller Lite (Kelly, that one's your fault.), and of course my personal local favorite, Natty Boh (Which I drink in excess with my Matty Boh.). Sure, it tastes like liquid garbage, but it's a Brotherhood thing, and you wouldn't understand.
I like whiskey. I also like how this is seeming to take a turn towards the "Is Sam an alcoholic?" question. Which if it is, I'll tell you a story.
My friend Anthony once told me "You'll be a non-functioning alcoholic by the age of 24.". I dunno how old I was when this happened, but in my head I was probably like, seventeen, sober as a priest (Which after knowing the priest I know and partying with him, that statement doesn't mean much. According to that, it means I was sober enough...to not drive. Cuz I woulda crashed the car and died.). Wait, is "sober as a priest" even a saying? I guess a Google search could clear all that up...but the internet search bar thing is all the way up there. So screw it. It's a saying now.
But for the record, I'm not an alcoholic. But I also have three years to get on that so we'll see.
What else. Well, I'm sitting at my desk. Which I moved a few feet from where it used to be in my room. Now get your socks ready, cuz I'm about to knock them off...I also moved my bed over towards the center of the room.
I'll give you a moment to retrieve your socks.
That's really it as far as room re-arrangement. I know that was an exciting bulletin.
Now where to go to next in this Orange Crush fueled rant....I know. Stop bitching about Facebook changing. Seriously, if it really bothers you that much quit it right away. If you're my age, you grew up with computers. We know how to work them pretty well by now, it takes what, like a minute to see "Oh, there's my news feed thing. And my photos. And the photos of that hot girl...oh my God. Look at her...she's so hot." As long as you can still creep someone on Facebook even a little bit, we're all gonna stay on it.
Ugh. So here comes the climax, are you excited? No. I'm not really feeling it either. I wrote all this in HTML format. That's not the climax, but it had to be done. It's amazing I remember any of it cuz the whole time I took it I was high on pain killers, right Anthony? Right. But I need your ideas! Please people, you all know me, you know what I like and that I love writing this blog. It's killed me, but I've had no ideas. I've tried for some, and I have a few scraps ready to go for after this but please, I'll leave my contact information below...come at me with stuff damnit!
Facebook - SamWowCarroll
Twitter - @therealSamWow
E-Mail - samcarroll9@gmail.com
Phone - 867-5309
Carroll Out...for now.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Guess Who's Back?
Oh hey there, I didn't see you over these piles of paperwork (non-existent paperwork, unless all my legal pads and copies of "Sports Illustrated" from last year count as paperwork) and the fact that "Words With Friends" and Wordfeud have taken over my life (for the record, in between both those games my record is like, 0-400). This is random.
So yeah, the blogging took a back seat, or maybe I treated it like "Home Alone" and I'm just getting back home on the truck with John Candy. Truth be told, I was kind of in a mindset to just put the blog in the ground and kill it (in that order, I like to make sure you'll fit in the grave before I get out the old tarp and shovel). But I'm not going too, this blog keeps me writing and keeps you guys smiling and keeps some people wondering "What's wrong with this guy?"
There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just that awesome. And Remember how I told you I was gonna buy my kids gold plated monkeys? This blog needs to keep going if that's still going to happen, the Nigerian Prince that e-mailed me told me he has a few extras I can have if I send my social security number and credit card information. Done and done, Prince Amukamara. Haha, I think a few people will get that joke, and if you don't, Google him. He's a real person.
I guess the reason I'm back doing this today is that since Sunday, people have been busting on me to get back to doing this. Family, friends, "Bluth from DeLuth" (Shout out to my boy Bluth! Go Brewers! You loser. For those of you I haven't told, "Bluth" is a guy who found my blog somehow and started reading and talking to me. He's an awesome guy, loves beer, baseball, football, and his Golden Gophers. He's not really a loser either.), basically a lot of people have been getting on me about starting to post again, so here I am.
Also, during my extensive break (I dunno if it was extensive, it has felt like a really long time), I went back a re-read all the stuff from my writing portfolio. I've got old book reports from grade school, the "Butterfly Story" from my "ME Book" (4th grade, SPX, everyone who made one should go back and re-read what they wrote, it's hilarious stuff in mine) and one day I will post that story on here, maybe when I get home today. It's a beautiful tale.
Uh, what else was in there? A note that Anne and I kept passing back and forth to each other from 8th grade (also awesome stuff), a lot of stuff from my creative writing and poetry classes, and just pieces of novels and other books I've failed to finish.
But I realized something as I re-read all this stuff. I "grade" my own writing too hard and I'm far too hard on myself. Looking back, I had a tendency to over edit, rip out words that "weren't good enough" and damn was I stupid. The rough drafts were so much better than the final product.
I think the problem is in the back of my head, every great writer had some sort of problem, Hemingway, Joyce, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, Capote, and Poe were all drunks or struggled with alcohol and depression and there's countless writers who thought that the things they wrote weren't up to snub with (fill in the blank) and just blew up what they wrote (I literally blow up bad blog posts, one brick of C4, boom, then I go buy a new computer). That's what went on in my head, and it turns out that's not true at all, I should just write what I want instead of writing something, hating it, and not letting it see the light of day.
I want to go down as a great writer. Maybe not in the same realm as Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, Edgar Allen Poe, or Chiuna Achebe (maybe not a house hold name, but he's by far my favorite author and his book "Things Fall Apart" is still one of my favorites all thanks to Mr. Haller who taught my world literature class at DaMafUh) and the others I mentioned above, but that's okay. Those men are legends.
So I may never become a household name, write a novel, pen a memoir, collaborate on a script, but hell, compose a speech for a politician, but all that's just icing on the cake. I'd be thrilled writing a column for a newspaper (or should I just stop saying newspaper and say website? God I hate the fact that if I do become a columnist, I probably won't get to literally hold my first column in my hands, but that's an anger I'll let out another time. Wow, that was a slight off topic rant), editing some poor smhuck's drafts, or just writing this blog in my spare time. Which brings me to my next topic...
Women.
Not really, just wanted to throw an off speed pitch by ya there. "Cuz it's one, two three strikes you walk..."
What I really wanted to do with these closing statements is thank you, the readers. No joke, if I could, I would find every last one of the people who read this thing and hug you. You're allowing me to keep doing this, if no one read this, I'd probably be moving up to Buffalo right now. So thank you for the comments, ideas, feedback (which I guess is redundant cuz I already said comments, my blog, my rules), and for all the love.
So that's all I got, my grand return to the stage, and the marking of the new start of a lot of things in my life. Just remember I want some more guest posts, some more ideas, and any feelings you guys have on beards (hopefully that will be my next post) you can send to my inbox on Facebook. If you put it on my wall or comment it on a status, then everyone can see what the post will be about and it's totally worthless, it's like if I told you at the end of Fast Five, ********* gets arrested, ******* & **** have a baby, and **** ****** is naked. None of those are accurate, at least I think they're not, they're just there to prove a point.
I'm back.
So yeah, the blogging took a back seat, or maybe I treated it like "Home Alone" and I'm just getting back home on the truck with John Candy. Truth be told, I was kind of in a mindset to just put the blog in the ground and kill it (in that order, I like to make sure you'll fit in the grave before I get out the old tarp and shovel). But I'm not going too, this blog keeps me writing and keeps you guys smiling and keeps some people wondering "What's wrong with this guy?"
There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just that awesome. And Remember how I told you I was gonna buy my kids gold plated monkeys? This blog needs to keep going if that's still going to happen, the Nigerian Prince that e-mailed me told me he has a few extras I can have if I send my social security number and credit card information. Done and done, Prince Amukamara. Haha, I think a few people will get that joke, and if you don't, Google him. He's a real person.
I guess the reason I'm back doing this today is that since Sunday, people have been busting on me to get back to doing this. Family, friends, "Bluth from DeLuth" (Shout out to my boy Bluth! Go Brewers! You loser. For those of you I haven't told, "Bluth" is a guy who found my blog somehow and started reading and talking to me. He's an awesome guy, loves beer, baseball, football, and his Golden Gophers. He's not really a loser either.), basically a lot of people have been getting on me about starting to post again, so here I am.
Also, during my extensive break (I dunno if it was extensive, it has felt like a really long time), I went back a re-read all the stuff from my writing portfolio. I've got old book reports from grade school, the "Butterfly Story" from my "ME Book" (4th grade, SPX, everyone who made one should go back and re-read what they wrote, it's hilarious stuff in mine) and one day I will post that story on here, maybe when I get home today. It's a beautiful tale.
Uh, what else was in there? A note that Anne and I kept passing back and forth to each other from 8th grade (also awesome stuff), a lot of stuff from my creative writing and poetry classes, and just pieces of novels and other books I've failed to finish.
But I realized something as I re-read all this stuff. I "grade" my own writing too hard and I'm far too hard on myself. Looking back, I had a tendency to over edit, rip out words that "weren't good enough" and damn was I stupid. The rough drafts were so much better than the final product.
I think the problem is in the back of my head, every great writer had some sort of problem, Hemingway, Joyce, Fitzgerald, Faulkner, Capote, and Poe were all drunks or struggled with alcohol and depression and there's countless writers who thought that the things they wrote weren't up to snub with (fill in the blank) and just blew up what they wrote (I literally blow up bad blog posts, one brick of C4, boom, then I go buy a new computer). That's what went on in my head, and it turns out that's not true at all, I should just write what I want instead of writing something, hating it, and not letting it see the light of day.
I want to go down as a great writer. Maybe not in the same realm as Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, Edgar Allen Poe, or Chiuna Achebe (maybe not a house hold name, but he's by far my favorite author and his book "Things Fall Apart" is still one of my favorites all thanks to Mr. Haller who taught my world literature class at DaMafUh) and the others I mentioned above, but that's okay. Those men are legends.
So I may never become a household name, write a novel, pen a memoir, collaborate on a script, but hell, compose a speech for a politician, but all that's just icing on the cake. I'd be thrilled writing a column for a newspaper (or should I just stop saying newspaper and say website? God I hate the fact that if I do become a columnist, I probably won't get to literally hold my first column in my hands, but that's an anger I'll let out another time. Wow, that was a slight off topic rant), editing some poor smhuck's drafts, or just writing this blog in my spare time. Which brings me to my next topic...
Women.
Not really, just wanted to throw an off speed pitch by ya there. "Cuz it's one, two three strikes you walk..."
What I really wanted to do with these closing statements is thank you, the readers. No joke, if I could, I would find every last one of the people who read this thing and hug you. You're allowing me to keep doing this, if no one read this, I'd probably be moving up to Buffalo right now. So thank you for the comments, ideas, feedback (which I guess is redundant cuz I already said comments, my blog, my rules), and for all the love.
So that's all I got, my grand return to the stage, and the marking of the new start of a lot of things in my life. Just remember I want some more guest posts, some more ideas, and any feelings you guys have on beards (hopefully that will be my next post) you can send to my inbox on Facebook. If you put it on my wall or comment it on a status, then everyone can see what the post will be about and it's totally worthless, it's like if I told you at the end of Fast Five, ********* gets arrested, ******* & **** have a baby, and **** ****** is naked. None of those are accurate, at least I think they're not, they're just there to prove a point.
I'm back.
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