The Accidental...Well, You'll See

If you know me, you probably know I have a knack for saying the right thing, interpreted as the wrong thing in the wrong way at the right time, but meant the right way.  I just re-read that and now I have a headache, but basically what I'm saying is I'm really good at saying one thing and it being taken the wrong way.  Like, really good at it.

I'm the King of bad jokes, terrible timing, pathetic pun-y puns (Get it?), and other things, but I mean well, I really do, please remember this as you read the story I'm about to tell you...

Many of you know I work in Downtown Washington DC for the USDA.  What many of you don't know is that throughout the USDA (And many other government agencies) have shuttles that take workers from place to place all day.  Some weeks, that shuttle is like my office.  I know when it will be late, I know the drivers personally, I know the schedule almost by heart (Which is really easy, it's just at the same two times every hour), and I know that the buses are white (How do I remember all these things?).

What I'm getting at is I have a story about riding the shuttle.  A pretty damn good one, that is if you like stories about me being a clown.  It's around lunch time and I'm standing outside South Building waiting for the shuttle with a bunch of people.

The bus comes, we pile on and we leave South.  I'm all the way in the back with the last open seat next to me.  We get to the first stop and a guy gets on and starts coming back towards me.

Being the outgoing person I am, or try to be, I want to welcome him to the shuttle.  We've been traveling for like half a mile together by this point so we're all practically family, why shouldn't Mr. Suit Guy feel like part of that?  So I rack my brain and I say "Good afternoon, welcome to the back of the bus." and flash him a smile.  In my brain, I'm celebrating, "Way to go, SamWow!  You're like the welcome wagon, they should start calling you SamWelcome!  You've earned a big ole' high five from someone for this!"

As I'm salsa dancing like Victor Cruz in my head, I look up and notice everyone is glaring at me, the lone whitey in the bus.  Then it hits me like a tidal wave.

I'm the only white guy on the bus, well, the only white guy who just made a innocent comment that got taken back to the Civil Rights movement by the nine black people on the bus.  All of the sudden I'm sitting next to Mr. Rosa Parks.  I'm not proud.

But here's the real kicker.  We get to my stop, and I'm the only one who's getting off at Patriot's Plaza III.  The only one, so I had too walk by everyone on the bus who hates me, bumping into a few, brushing against arms and legs on my way off.  When I got to the door, I thanked the driver and closed the door and didn't turn around.

These are the types of things that happen to me, SamWelcome...