All The Pieces, Pieces, Pieces Of Me...

Who remembers that Ashlee Simpson song?  And who wants to stop reading this post cuz I titled it after that abortion of a "hit"?  Everyone, even I don't want to write this anymore but I owe it to you all, and you all owe it to yourselves to keep reading, I have big news.

In 4th grade at St. Pius X in Bowie, MD (Represent!) all three clases started a assignment called a "Me Book".  These books were filled with little assignments and things to tell everyone what we were all about and how we saw the world.  Many of my classmate's editions probably got thrown in the trash or lost somewhere throughout the years, not mine.

Mine sits in my bedroom, next to a thesaurus, dictionary, books about Irish culture, and other "reference" books.  That's really where it belongs, it's a reference book to what I was as a kid.  Who I was as a kid.  It also kills with the ladies.  And I mean kills man.

So I'll stop talking about it, and post the beginning of the book.  More will come later, but I don't want to bomb you all with multiple pages of epic-icity.

Enjoy my "Me Book".

As you can all see, this pretty much sums me up.  I'm just your run of the mill nice fisherman how was God loving and quick.  I may have been a lot of things, but I've never been quick.  I was high clearly.  Also, I used to be blonde.  

And the back cover.  In the picture, you can see me driving like a champion, and my brother, Brian, crashing into the wall.  Also peep my sweet paper mache job with my initials, clearly I left "artist" off my sweet list of "SamWow BuzzWords".

That's all you get for now.  Stay tuned, part two is coming real soon.  Promise.

I'm Just Vomiting A Post, Part Something Or Other

Last night, I laughed so hard my ribs hurt.  Badly.

I was hanging out with two of my closest friends (My cousin Greg and our Bro Anthony) eating wings, drinking beers, and watching "End of Watch" (Which is an amazing movie, that everyone should go buy and watch a hundred times).  Overall, we just goofed on each other, other people, and started an awesome club which is in no way a joke about a "famous" movie about Cowboys.

So all that being said, I've decided to write nothing more about that, and instead just bullet point random thoughts I've had since the last time I blogged for you.

That's right, America.  Get cised for another "I'm Just Vomiting A Post" Post.  Which you all really love, probably because it's a legit look into my brain.  Scary place.

1. I am in love with Anna Kendrick.  And the movie "Pitch Perfect", which one a scale of one to ten, is an  eleven.  If you see it and don't like it, I'll sprinkle salt into my eyes.  I dunno what that will do, but it can't end well.
2. I was driving to the gym today and Michelle Branch's "Everywhere" came on the radio.  Naturally, I cranked the radio all the way up and started singing and dancing to it (If you need that image in your head, picture a big white guy with his hat on backwards gyrating and lip synching in his car).  That will always be one of those songs that gets me.  It's awesome.
3. I'm really excited for baseball season to start, and I'm also depressed that Caps haven't played in days.
4. If you like to lift weights at the gym, always poop first.  It's really tough to control your muscles uh, down there, when you're benching and it's a disaster waiting to happen.
5. I learned that in everyone's tail bone there is a bone named the "coccyx" (Pronounced cocks-ix, maybe).  I find that hilarious because that means there is literally a coccyx in everyone's butt.  If that doesn't make you laugh, you have no soul.
6. All kidding aside, when I heard that I laughed for like two minutes.  I also laughed really hard when I wrote that.  Cuz I'm practically twelve.
7. I think the word "joan"/"joaning" is totally under used once you leave PG County.  Other words that are under used outside of "Gawjus Prince Gawjus"?  Silly, nubs, donk, bazilly, and cised.
8. Never date a famous girl.  I didn't know this until recently, but it really messes with a man's ego when she calls you and mentions "Oh, I'll be in a date auction for charity."  I replied with "Oh, I'll be at the next table...with mace and a sock full of pennies."
9. My song this year for those summer nights I spend cruising around town is "Miles Davis & The Cool" by The Gaslight Anthem.  Go listen to it now.
10. The other day, I was in the grocer's and I picked up a basket and my greatest dilema came back to haunt me.  How do you carry the basket in a manly way?  If anyone can answer that, please hit me up on Twitter @therealSamWow.

The "Manly" way, as of now.

Well, that's it for now.  I hope to have a more normal post next.

Peace and love, you groovy hippies.





What the hell was that closer all about?  Jesus.

Pause For A Good Cause // Part Two

Hey everyone, remember me? SamWow?  Of course you do, I'm pretty legendary around here.

A while back, I posted my first "Pause For A Good Cause" for my friend Kate's "Swim Across America" fundraiser to help find/fund a cure for cancer.  It went over pretty well, Kate was shocked and happy (I think) that some of you contributed to help her out and I think it's time to do it again for a new charity: Wounded Warrior Project (WWP).

Founded in 2002, WWP is a non-profit organization built to "honor and empower wounded warriors", founded by veterans, for the veterans, and they do amazing work.

Click the link for more information about WWP.

How did I choose WWP?  Well, I recently decided to stop cursing (as well as using sayings such as "That's gay") and I was contributing a quarter to my "Cursing Jar" for each thing I said that crossed my new moral line.

After a few Caps games, a weird hungover weekend, and my psychopathic boss being who she was (She's no longer employed), I had about four or five dollars in the jar.  Later that week, I was at dinner with a friend and I told him about what I was doing.  He liked the idea and decided to take it to the next level.

Anthony's idea was to A) try and stop cursing himself and B) that we should pool together our, for lack of a better word, "contributions" and donate them to WWP.  It's an amazing idea, like, really amazing in my opinion.

So that's my challenge unto you, my peeps, to drop a quarter into the bucket for each curse word you use.  Well shit (There's a quarter), even if you want to keep cursing up a storm take some money out of your pocket and donate to WWP.  If you donate, let me know and I'll match your contribution to the best of my abilities.

And I'll leave you with a video that makes me cry (All videos like this one do), and just think of all our service men and women leave behind to help defend us.  Let's do something to help those who come back.

Click the link to donate to Wounded Warrior Project.

Thank you, I hope we can make a difference.

Much love, SamWow Carroll.

@therealSamWow

The Story of the Jumping Blanket.

OK, so I'm going to keep this one short and sweet, because, well, that's exactly what it was.  I saw it, I laughed, and I kept walking.

Some of you may remember my story about "Tony Romo" the DC Hobo.  The one who kicked a pigeon (Wow, according to spell check there's no "d" in pigeon, had me fooled)  after feeding it cuz, well, cuz he's just like that.  Anyways...

So this morning I'm walking back to my building past the CVS, sushi joint, and McDonalds like it's any other regular day (Except I'm not stopping anywhere cuz I'm trying to save money and be "less person").  I walk past the same hobos, same pan handlers, same taxi stands, and all that jazz, but when I turned the corner onto 4th Street I stumbled (Almost literally) across a strange jumping blanket.

Well, let me rephrase that; I stumbled upon a shape with socks on, perched on milk cartons, covered in a blue moving blanket with what I can only assume to be a leprechaun jumping up and down on his lap grunting loudly.

You know, a leprechaun "jumping" on his lap.  I'll give you a minute to realize what I'm trying to say here.  Ok, that's all you need.  If you didn't get the reference  you probably shouldn't read my anymore cuz you're way too mature for the type of low brow humor I love so dearly.

So I quickly correct my course and swing wide around the man, letting him and the leprechaun continue about their business.  I was content with going about my day and forgetting what happened and then I heard it.  The screw.  Somewhere between blood curling and "Oh my God I'm an attractive young female professional and I tripped over a masturbating hobo cuz I was walking and texting at the same time", but ya know, that's just my best interpretation.

In case you couldn't tell, that quoted part is exactly what happened.  And I found it pretty hilarious, and once  I got a acceptable distance away, I lost it.  I laughed so hard I wanted to share it with you all, so I hope you enjoyed it.  I'd assume the leprechaun did.

Was that last bit too far?

Obligatory Redskins Post

You don't need to know much about me to know that I'm madly in love with my Washington Redskins, blonde sillies, beers, and a lot of other things.  If you're someone who's read my blog from the start, you've probably noticed I try to leave sports out of my posts because I don't want to alienate people from reading cuz they don't like sports or, even worse, don't like my teams.

Today is the exception.  If you dislike the Redskins or football, go read another one of my older posts but if you like sentimental stories about love and Thai food, keep reading.  It'll pay off towards the end, I promise.

So with the big playoff game against the Seattle Sea-hacks coming up Sunday afternoon, I've been thinking a lot about the Redskins teams I've watched in my twenty-two years being alive.  Sadly in those twenty two years, I've watched a massive amount of suck, but I was technically alive for one Super Bowl, but I wasn't even one yet...so let's not rush to count that as anything.

Ok, so now, without further adieu, I give you my Top 10 Most Memorable Redskins Moments (For Better or Worse).

10. The 2011 Season: A Fan On The Drink Brink:

There's not a lot of good things that can be said about the Redskins in 2011.  Rex Grossman, John Beck "led" the offense, the offensive line was constantly in flux (I hate you, Jamal Brown), and once again John Beck.  This season actually made me want to heavily self medicate...with booze...and it still makes me mad to this day and if you're a Redskins fan, it should make you mad too.  Hey, I didn't say they'd be ten good memories, now did I?

9. The 2008 Season: The Year I Loved The Kool-Aid

In hind sight, it makes me sick how cised I was for this Redskins team.  Jim Zorn (America's Friendliest Neighbor) had just taken the reigns, Greg Blatche was running the defense, and Al Saunder's 700 page playbook was on it's way to cash unemployment checks.  The Skins went out and signed DeAngelo Hall and traded for Jason Taylor for that outside pass rush.  We drafted a speedster in Devin Thomas, a big body WR in Malcolm Kelly, and Colt Brennan (Who I hated).

Then the season started...and we were 6-2 and the bandwagon was in full spring.  The only bad part was the season went on for eight more games, and I don't think I'll remember eight games more clearly. Picture six gut punches, two more times where you don't get punched, but he really scares you until you hit him.  The Skins ended that year and I actually got excited for the following year, cuz I'm a moron.

8. Vote The Redskins Ticket: Literally

So the year is 2008 and the Skins were 6-2ish.  Well, at that same time, I had just registered to vote for extra credit in History class and I was headed to the polls to vote in my own Democratic little way.  Well I'm in the little voting box thing and for one of the nubby positions I selected "Write In" and proceded to type in "Jim Zorn".  I was drunk off Kool Aid, and clearly "Horny for Zorny"

7. A Man Of Many Faces: Clinton Portis

Southeast Jerome

YESSSSSS.  Finally a bright spot in my list.  The Skins traded Champ Bailey for CP26, aka "Southeast Jerome", "Kid Bro Sweets", "Sherrif Gonna-Getcha", and other names and I'll always remember his first time touching the ball in a regular season game.  He took the ball right up the gut against the Bucs for a 64 yard TD run.  I was instantly hooked.

In a few seasons, he was really the only consistent player on the Redskins squads.  He amassed almost 7,000 yards in his seven years averaging 4.4 a clip, he found the endzone 49 times, and was a leader in the lockerroom and on the field...at least for most of it.  And I loved the costumes he would don for weekly interviews, he kept things lively and loose at Redskins Park in Ashburn.

Now I'm sure a lot of people think he was terrible for the team, but he was the first Skin I could look at as a "True Redskin".  I'm a 90s kid, I didn't get to see Riggo, Monk, Clark, Theisman, Butz, Mann, Manley, Hanburger, Harvey, Jacoby, Grimm, and Mosley play.  He was my first Redskins "legend".

6. The "Best 22 I'll Ever See": Mark Brunell Sets A NFL Record

It was a game in Houston in 2006.  I was at my Grandmommy's in Hyattsville, MD watching the game with the family.  Mark Brunell completed 22 consecutive passes.  I'll always remember that, what a terrible memory.

5. Don't Call It A Comeback: The Return of Joe Gibbs

I'll always remember this.  I was a freshman at DeMatha Catholic High School in the pre-smart phone era and there were rumors swirling about Joe Gibbs returning to the Redskins.  All I really knew about Joe was that he had led the Redskins to three Super Bowl victories and was an "Offensive genius", no one told me that label was given in 1981, but either way.  We had a Hall of Fame coach coming to back to the Skins.

Joe Gibbs took the team to a place I had never really seen, the playoffs.  In both 2005 and 2007 the Skins marched into the playoffs, the '07 campaign I remember the most vividly with the "5-0 or we don't go" mantra.  

Joe brought in players that Redskin nation loved in Chris Cooley, Clinton Portis, Sean Taylor, London Fletcher, and others.  Ultimately, Gibbs ended his second stint at 38-46 with a 1-2 record in the playoffs, but at least he brought us playoffs.

4. My Man Crush: The Mike Sellers Edition

Question:  Who's the sexiest, most talented, down to earth, dominant 6'3" two hundred and seventy three pound person on earth?

Answer:  This guy.  Not me, the picture below this.

Yes.  That's right.  Mike Sellers, aka "Caveman", "Bam-Bam", and "Dat Boy".  Mike was a bruising blocker as a lead runner for Clinton Portis, stud pass blocker for the thousand Redskins QBs he played with, and had some of the softest hands the NFL has seen on a man his size (Which allowed him to rack up 21 total TDs as a Skin).  

Mike Sellers is right up there on my Mount Rushmore of Redskins players (That I've watched, not of all time, chill) and is probably my favorite Redskin of all time.

And no, I didn't forget the time he was on the news and they surprised him with the news that he was having another baby girl, it's just the link on WJLA-ABC7's website is dead (I'm writing them an angry letter as we speak).  You'll just have to trust me it was a majestic moment.  

3. Alfred Does Dallas: December 30th, 2012

Finally, we're in 2012.  The new Redskin team, the team that's ripped off seven straight wins, the last one being the most majestic...let me paint you a word picture:

It's a cold, still night in Landover, the NFC East is on the line and the Dallas Cowboys are coming to town with America's Hype Machine shoved so far up their ass I see it poking out of Jerry Jone's wrinkly old catcher's mitt of a face.  The team that wins marches into the playoffs, loser goes home.  This is the type of game December football is built for.  

The crowd in FedEx Field (America's Largest Coffee Filter) is 98% Redskins, which is a miracle in itself that I'll get into soon, and they're hungry.  The Redskins take the field and they're hungry.  The Cowboys took the field and showed they had no hunger.  The Redskins game plan hardly changed, Alfred Morris pounded the Dallas D for 200 yards and three TDs, RGIII scored on a ten yard keeper,  and the maligned defense picked off Tony Romo (America's Choke Artist) and ripped the hearts out of the Dallas offense.  It was amazing.

I've seen a few great games against the Cowboys including the 14-13 miracle in Dallas, the game at FedEx where Cooley caught three TDs in a blow out, and the 2012 Thanksgiving Day game where RGIII blew the roof off Jerry's World, but Week 17 I'll take to my grave.

2. The Most Shocking Loss: Redskins Lose To Thai Food & Bowling

I never miss a Redskins game, like, never.  Preseason, regular season, post season I watch em all.  It can be a 52-0 win, or a 52-0 loss and I'm watching.  Except in the 2011 preseason game against the Buccaneers.  I had scheduled a date with a Blonde silly that night (I'm 90% sure it was a Thursday).

We got Thai food (Which I had never had before) and then proceded to go bowling where I got my ass handed to me, twice (The second game in heart breaking come-from-behind fashion).  I was a big fan of this girl, and to put it in math terms, She > Redskins.  You all probably think it's a pathetic #2 but it's my list so "Suck failure" (Credit for that quote to Anthony @MDs_Own).

1. ST21

When I decided to write this, it instantly became a question of what the other 9 spots will be.  There was no doubt in my mind the story of Sean Taylor was number one.  Call me bias, but there's no other spot for him on this list.

When Sean Taylor came into the league, he was a magnet for penalty flags for pass interference and unnecessary roughness as well as off the field troubles in 2004 and 2005.  He was a bit of a free lancer and was a very unpolished athlete instead of being a football player (There's a huge difference).  As his career wound on, he seemed to get his head on right, he had a kid, settled down with his girlfriend, and became a vocal leader and a big time play maker.  

Then November 2007 rolled around and you know the rest of story.  Sean's house in Miami was broken into, he got up to defend the house, and was shot.  The bullet severed his femoral artery and he passed away the next day.  I remember shedding a tear when I heard (Cuz I'm a wuss) and bro-hugging a few guys at DeMatha that day.  It was a crushing blow to the fans, and the team.  It destroyed Joe Gibbs, Clinton Portis, and others.

Kind of a sad end to this list, but I think a lot of guys my age remember this vividly as well.  It was my first real "sports disaster" and made me realize that sports has a huge affect on my life and lives in the DMV and it will always be planted in my brain.  

So that's my list, maybe you disagree with a lot of it and if you do, let me know, cuz I'd love to hear what you all remember most about the Redskins franchise.  Until next time, HTTR.

SamWow's Things: Year In Review 2012.

I'm baaaackkkkkkkk!

So I know I haven't posted in over a month and I have zippy excuses for you, the god's honest truth is I'm slothful, lazy, sluggish, indolent, idle, shiftless, and any other synonyms you can think of that go with that idea, and for that I truly apologize.  Even though I'll never speak to half of you or see your lovely faces (if you're a young lady with a lovely face, hit me up on Twitter/Facebook, information is below), I still feel as though I've let you all down, so this is how I'll make it up to you with The RealSamWow Year in Review 2012!

I was hoping that you read that the same way Oprah says "Oprah's favorite thinggggggggsss!" and all the middle aged women and their husbands go mad, jumping up and down and screaming.  This'll be just as good, maybe.  And if you look under your seat, you'll see the carpet/hardwood/tile or whatever else is under you.  Maybe there's some change in the couch, if so, you're welcome.  Let's start right about now.

The best thing I did in 2012 was (prepare for something on the opposite side of my usual craziness) find out that I have self esteem, confidence, and a bunch of those other qualities that makes someone a functioning adult.  I've learned to stay intact with my emotions and other stuff.  So that's all we'll talk about on that, cuz I don't wanna get all sappy and emotional.  Just know I'm kicking ass and feeling great, so chew on that, haters.

Probably the worst thing I did in 2012 let a lot of friendships fall to the wayside.  I was in a long term(ish) relationship and I put all my energy into that and blew off trips to Blacksburg, College Park, DC, and other places.  It's all my fault that it happened, and it's how I earned my nickname "Flakes", cuz I "always be flakin', Flakes".

Ok, so I just wanted to say the more serious things.  Now I'll dive into the silly, ridiculous, and amazing.

The most embarrassing thing I did in 2012 happened only a few months ago.  I was in Target trying on some new shirts and pants and stuff.  I wrapped up and walked out of the dressing rooms with my coat on and the clothes I was trying on in my hand.  And I realized I wasn't wearing a shirt, like, at all.  I was about twenty paces from the dressing rooms, clothes in hand, coat on, shirtless under.  A few people saw me and kinda gave me a "What da eff" look.

I just hope that somewhere, on a security camera,  your boy SamWow is wondering out of the rooms without a shirt, cuz I would love to see the sheer look of terror/embarassment/and (eventually) the smile and laugh that followed that moment.

I also took a few trips this year, so the prestigious award for best trip I took in 2012 comes down to my week in Bermuda, my couple of days in the Outer Banks, or my weekend in Virginia Tech.  I dunno which to choose, on one hand Bermuda was epic...but let's just say the memory is tainted....the OBX trip was good, but I was only there for a few days...and VT was amaz-balls except when that stuff happened that made it less than epic....and the winner is...the Outer Banks!

My few days in the OBX were packed with #shambles moments.

I spent two days drunk, driving, and hanging out with my lovely cousins.  I also shouldn't put "drunk" right next to "driving", I didn't do that.  I drove down there with my Bro (aka BroBeans) and smoked a cigar and sang "Whiter Shade of Pale", ate multiple burgers from multiple places, and drank multiple drinks full of drink, and smoked cigars with my best friends in the world.  There's also the annual "Cousin Bonding/Heart-to-Heart thing" that seems to come up yearly.  And for the record, I'm posing in the picture, that's not a natural moment.

I was going to do a "best movie of 2012" bit but I don't really remember all the movies I saw (Dark Knight, Hunger Games, uhhh...crap sandwich that's all I got) so instead I'll do a movie I watched a lot in 2012.  The movie was "I, Robot" for like the fourth straight year.  This was a terrible category.

Now I'll do some quick hitters and wrap this thing up...

Best sports moment of 2012 was Joel Ward's game winner against the Bruins.  Amazing night.

Best album purchase of 2012 was Naughty By Nature's Greatest Hits CD.

The thing I drank most of in 2012 that's not water or milk was whiskey, duh.  Beer a close second.

The thing I ate the most of in 2012 was buffalo wings, DUH.  Close second is salad, weird mix.

The drunkest I got in 2012 was probably in Blacksburg, or one of the nights on the Bermuda cruise, or something else all together.  Probably don't remember, I was drunk.

The thing I should have done way before 2012 is date a sportscaster.  Oh.  My.  God.  She was amazing.

The thing(s) I should have done more of in 2012; went to the gym more, eat more crab cakes, and quitting jobs.

That's all I got, this is mostly to get me back to blogging on a somewhat frequent basis so I avoid slipping down the path of crippling delusion, depression, and diarrhea 

See you soon, and Merry Christmas to you all!

Dreams, Part One

I keep a pen and paper next to my bed each night.  Why?  In case I have an awesome idea for a joke or a crazy dream to jot down in the middle of the night.

Sometimes that dream involves me literally stealing hobo's feet (I cut them off...), or me sewing together pairs of shoelaces to make new clothes, or my longest running dream of me chasing a blonde girl through a hardware store (Four years is kinda too long, in my humble opinion).

But I want to talk about the dream I had last night.  It was one of those rare (At least for me) dreams where I woke up really thinking about stuff.  Like life.  And life decisions.

It started off with me sitting on the fishing pier in the Outer Banks (Mile marker 19ish I believe) and I'm just chilling by myself for a bit, staring up at the sunset.  I hear a voice come up from behind and I turn to see a ten year old me walking up and sitting next to me.

This already sounds weird, but I'm gonna tell you anyways.  Cuz I love you, readers.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, we start talking and he's asking if I'm still friends with Michael, Ryan, Joe, Joel, and the other guys and girls.  He asks about what it's like to drive a car, to own video games, and to be six feet tall.  Then the little turd asks about what I'm doing for a job and I froze.

All the jobs I wanted flashed through my mind.  Photographer, firefighter, teacher, comedian, writer, phone man (Like Pop), director, and professional recess, uh, person.  And then I looked to Little SamWow and told him what I do, and he looked so damn sad.  Like, he'd never cry (Cuz I never have, and never will), but he was probably the closest he's ever come to it.

Then I ruined it and woke up in sleep deprived panic.  Like how you see in movies, where like, Jake Gyllenhaal wakes up, sits up, and puts his head in his hands like "Holy damn."  Except, I'm not Jake Gyllenhaal (I'm more of a Seth Rogen type if you listen to the dummies who tell me I look "just like him").  So I write it down after I come to my senses a bit and lay back down in the hopes of having one of those "If I Fall Back Asleep Fast Enough I Can Restart The Dream I Abruptly Ended By Waking Up Like An Idiot".  

Didn't work, like, at all.  Just tossed and turned for a bit before I passed back out and performed my daily morning routine of "Hear Alarm, Curse, Stumble Out Of Bed".

But it made me think, which is something I try to avoid, about what I am doing with my life.  I'm tired of the old "It's a bad job market" excuse and the "financial security" argument I keep making.  It's probably time that I just go ahead with my head held high and find the job I want and that I'll love.

So that's that.  Just had to get that off my chest, even though it's kinda cryptic.  I guess I just wanna say that every once in a while you should go back and talk to your ten year old self, you never know what that might be able to teach you.