Monday, October 29, 2012

SamWow and G-Cruz present -- Surviving Sandy

So at first this was going to be a ten really lame activities you can do to pass time while you're home from work tomorrow but insteadddd my friend the Gina's Blog and I have decided to grace your day with a whole list of storm themed cocktails!  I know I know...we're too kind.  YOU'RE WELCOME.  


Writer's challenge:  Drink all ten during the same storm and then recreate the picture at the end of the post. 

1.  Bye Bye Bahamas (too soon?)
- 1 dash banana Liqueur 
- 1 ounce Redrum 
- 6 ounces of fruit punch (Writer's Choice: Hawaiian Punch)
-1 maraschinos cherry
- 1 pineapple slice
- 1 orange slice

2. Dark and Stormy
- 2 ounces dark rum (Writer's Choice: Myer's)
- 3 ounces ginger beer (Writer's Choice: Saranac)
- 1/2 ounce of lime juice

3.  Mandatory Evacuation
- 2 ounces white rum (Writer's Choice: Railean White rum)
- 4 ounces Sprite
- a splash of grenadine
- lemon/lime wedges for garnish

4.  Tropical Storm
- 1 part banana liqueur
- 2 ounces white rum (Writer's Choice: Railean White rum)
- a splash of grenadine
- 4 ounces of orange juice 
- 1 sliced banana
- 1 cup of crushed ice

5.  The Cold Shower
- 4 ounces club soda
- 1 ounce Creme de Menthe

6.  The Flood Zone
- 2 ounces Kahlua
- 2 ounces Baileys Irish cream

7.  The Downed Power Line
- 1.5 ounces Railean Reserve XO dark rum
- 5 ounces Red Bull

8.  The Hurricane
- 4 ounces of Pat O'Brien's hurricane mix
- 2 ounces spiced rum (Writer's Choice: Captain Morgan)

9.  Category 5
- 1/2 ounce vodka (Writer's Choice: Tito's)
- 1/2 ounce Railean Blue Agave Spirit
- 1/2 Railean White rum
- 1/2 ounce bourbon (Writer's Choice: Maker's Mark)
- 1/2 ounce gin (Writer's Choice: Tanqueray)
- sweet and sour mix 
- splash of fruit juice

10.  Damn the Weather
- 1 tbsp of dry vermouth (Writer's Choice: Tribuno)
- 1 ounce gin (Writer's Choice: Tanqueray)
- tbsp orange juice
- 1 tsp triple sec

Your lovely (sober) authors, stay safe in the storm people.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Letter to my Wife, Part Two

To my wife, Eileen,

So there's something else I need to confess to you.  I was an Orioles fan my whole life, until eight years ago when the Nat's came "back" to town.  This is also my second marriage.  I think the root of it all is that when the Nat's came back to town...well, you're probably more worried about the marriage thing.  I'll talk on that for a while I guess.

Where should I start, well, I guess we'll go way back in the heart of the spring of 2008.  I was bitten and smitten by love, and she was a red head of all things, not a blonde, a redhead.  Let the magnitude of that sink in.

Me and my lady.
So I guess I'll tell you something about her.  Her name is Pam, we lusted after each other for about two years before we said our "I do's", and things moved way to fast.  That much I'm sure of.

I thought I was happy with her, I was smiling all the time, adjusting to my new life and suddenly, on May 18th, I watched her walk down the aisle and onto the stool.  I watched her lift the veil.  Her parents didn't come, I think they might be dead.  Doesn't matter, we weren't married long enough for me to find out.

You see, I "married" Pam Beesly from "The Office" in 2008.  It was another one of my jokes turned reality, cuz when you're a loud mouthed goon, people do these things to you.  They make you pay, always remember that; family is evil at heart.

Me and my lady, and my Grandmommy.
Also, if you couldn't tell by the pictures, the whole thing was a hoax; an elaborate plot.  Or a joke planned by my cousins (Mostly Jay-Breezy, I think) that was carried out to perfection.  And yeah, I'll break it all down....now.

As you can see, since the real Pam Beesly was occupied filming her show, we called up her sister, who looks a lot like a bottle of cooking spray.  My friend Anthony was supposed to be the best man/preacher, but he wanted to go home (...and from what I remember I jokingly said mean things to him about a garden hose), so he left and my cousin Scott officiated.  My replacement best man was a picture of my grade school best friend Andrew (See lapel), and Pam's bridal party was made up of my other cousins.

As far as other family members in the audience, we had my lovely Grandmommy (See picture) and my Mother (Picture unavailable).

After a quick ceremony that involved me kissing a bottle of Pam multiple times while pictures were taken, which is still a hilarious thing to me, we broke off for the reception.
The first of many.

Well, from here on out I think I'll just let the photographs tell the story from here on out with limited word-type interruptions from me.

I'm very sorry Eileen that I didn't tell you about this before, and that Pam is so attractive.  I'm kinda shocked that it didn't the more I think about it, I mean, I am a Carroll man after all.  We're cunning, funny, handsome people brimming with confidence and drive.  And we're just straight up winners, that can handle liquor like champions...Irish champions.

Enjoy the pictures and if you want to see anything else from the wedding, I have name cards and the "flowers" still in my desk drawer in the den, or as I like to call it "The Room with Bearwa Jima".  Enjoy the pictures, and call me, maybe?

Our cake, clearly I'm the gentleman on the left.
This is how weddings feel.

And I guess this was the beginning of the end.






Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Accidental...Well, You'll See

If you know me, you probably know I have a knack for saying the right thing, interpreted as the wrong thing in the wrong way at the right time, but meant the right way.  I just re-read that and now I have a headache, but basically what I'm saying is I'm really good at saying one thing and it being taken the wrong way.  Like, really good at it.

I'm the King of bad jokes, terrible timing, pathetic pun-y puns (Get it?), and other things, but I mean well, I really do, please remember this as you read the story I'm about to tell you...

Many of you know I work in Downtown Washington DC for the USDA.  What many of you don't know is that throughout the USDA (And many other government agencies) have shuttles that take workers from place to place all day.  Some weeks, that shuttle is like my office.  I know when it will be late, I know the drivers personally, I know the schedule almost by heart (Which is really easy, it's just at the same two times every hour), and I know that the buses are white (How do I remember all these things?).

What I'm getting at is I have a story about riding the shuttle.  A pretty damn good one, that is if you like stories about me being a clown.  It's around lunch time and I'm standing outside South Building waiting for the shuttle with a bunch of people.

The bus comes, we pile on and we leave South.  I'm all the way in the back with the last open seat next to me.  We get to the first stop and a guy gets on and starts coming back towards me.

Being the outgoing person I am, or try to be, I want to welcome him to the shuttle.  We've been traveling for like half a mile together by this point so we're all practically family, why shouldn't Mr. Suit Guy feel like part of that?  So I rack my brain and I say "Good afternoon, welcome to the back of the bus." and flash him a smile.  In my brain, I'm celebrating, "Way to go, SamWow!  You're like the welcome wagon, they should start calling you SamWelcome!  You've earned a big ole' high five from someone for this!"

As I'm salsa dancing like Victor Cruz in my head, I look up and notice everyone is glaring at me, the lone whitey in the bus.  Then it hits me like a tidal wave.

I'm the only white guy on the bus, well, the only white guy who just made a innocent comment that got taken back to the Civil Rights movement by the nine black people on the bus.  All of the sudden I'm sitting next to Mr. Rosa Parks.  I'm not proud.

But here's the real kicker.  We get to my stop, and I'm the only one who's getting off at Patriot's Plaza III.  The only one, so I had too walk by everyone on the bus who hates me, bumping into a few, brushing against arms and legs on my way off.  When I got to the door, I thanked the driver and closed the door and didn't turn around.

These are the types of things that happen to me, SamWelcome...


Friday, September 28, 2012

Staggering Ubiquity

Trivia question. If I were to ask you what Lamont Sheets swears he invented in the 1960s, would you know the answer?

How about if I asked you what the 1980 Lousiville basketball team made popular? Still don't know?
One last question. Dusty Baker and Glenn Burk (both of Los Angeles Dodgers fame) are often credited for introducing what gesture into Major League Baseball(There is a lot of argument between Lamont Sheets and Baker/Burk over this)?

Did you get it right? If you did, high five! Did you get it wrong? If you did, the answer was the high five. To all three questions. Minds blown.

Clearly, I have a thing for high fives. Some people might say "Uh, hell yeah you have a thing for high fives. You have an article about them on the wall of your office." That's true, it's from "Sports Illustrated" and it's titled "The Methphysical Significance, Staggering Ubiquity, and Sheer Joy of High Fives" written by Chris Ballard.

I have also went to a store where books are free as long as you return them(The sign said "Library") and found actual studies(Now, with science!) that show teams that make more physical contact (i.e. high fives, fist bumps, arm bashes, and hugs) tend to have higher winning percentages.  Insane stuff, insane enough for me to write my college psych paper on the topic.

Below is quot I fell in love with but now I'm not sure if it really works great here.  It should be noted that this post was first drafted on June 3rd, 2011 so I don't remember my idea for the quote but it's still good.  Deal with it haha.

"It shows your brotherhood out there. It's beautiful man, in a way I think it's it's what the game is all about." -- Anonymous quote about high-fives, cuz I can't remember who said it and Google didn't help.  I think it was Chauncy Billups though.

Snap back to reality (Oh, there goes gravity, Oh there goes Rabbit...).  High five's are everywhere in sports, and life in general.  Turn on any Major League Baseball game and watch a guy come into the dugout or out onto the field at the announcing of the lineups, it's a stunning display of elaborate high fives, going under, over, and around, for every guy on the line, there seems to different "handshake" or high five.

The NFL, when players come out onto the field, they run a gauntlet of teammates, both hands out, high fiving everyone on the team before meeting one or two players at the end and going into some crazy "handshake".

The NBA, well, maybe there not really high fives, more like elaborate touching and shimmy-ing all around (Like me on the dance floor, right ladies?).  What I'm saying it's all over sport.  I meant to say sport, it's a word, it works there.  Don't be thinking I made a grammatical error.

Then you can look to the stands at games, strangers high fiving strangers after a goal, touchdown, home run, big play, anything really.  The fans are a community, living and dying together with every moment on the field.

Then there's the out-of-sports high fives, which are what I love to do.  I'll high five anyone from my ninety-two year old Grandmommy or my little baby cousins when I'm teaching them how to "Gimme five", "Slap skin", or "Take the Five train to Slapsville"....wow.  That's what I wrote.

So why do I love high fives?  Well, I love the sound (Try this, get your hand a little bit wet and high five someone with a dry hand for a more epic noise, and some pain), but I think the main reason I love them is they are almost an universal sign of "Hey, you're alright in my book."  You never high five someone you're mad at do you?  No.  You high five people who are in your corner, the teammates on the rec softball team, fellow fans of your team, the guy next to you at Mission Control when you land a Mars rover (Like I said, this post has been in the works for a long time), or the guy at the bar who's leaving with the hottest girl in the joint.

And just one last fun random note, I come from a giant Irish-Catholic family, and I have high-fived everyone innit ("Everyone" being those from 2005 onward) except two, and I'm gunning for them hard.  Need a nice, natural high five.

So this was a years worth of editing and writing....I hope ya'll liked it haha.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Case of the Mondays...on Friday

Morning world, as many of you know from reading my blog and from knowing me, I work in downtown Washington DC and I, like all humans, occasionally have bad days.  This is a quick story about how today started.

I rolled out of bed at the my second alarm and just kinda fumbled around the room grabbing clothes, writing a check, and singing "Jukebox Hero" out loud to myself.  Typical morning, right?

So once I'm dressed, I hop in the car and head to work.  Seeing how I got to where I park about forty five minutes early, I decided I could take a thirty minute rest and listen to the Junkies on the radio for a bit before starting to walk a few blocks to my building.

This is where the bad case of the Mondays comes in and is also kinda the point of this post, if you thought the point of the post was so that you guys could all picture me fumbling around the bedroom shirtless singing Foreigner songs, I appreciate it, but it's really just a nice little introduction and great way to pointless ramble on and on and on.

Some of you who have been reading my blog for a while remember me retelling the story of my favorite member of the Washington DC Homeless Society, "Tony Romo", if you don't, please read the quoted section from my "Gotta Love the WMATA" post...

I've seen "Tony Romo" around the area before, he's usually sitting around the Navy Memorial behind the Archives building, guarding his cart full of needles (there's no needles in his cart...that I can see), sleeping bags, tin foil, and American flags. There's a story behind those flags and I need to hear it in the worst way, but that's not the point.

So I saw "Tony Romo" sitting on a bench near Constitution Avenue throwing some random tooth-sized things at his feet, attracting pigeons who were eating whatever it was. I looked away thinking that he was just feeding pigeons, people feed pigeons, people usually don't do something crazy and drastic when you look back at them feeding pigeons. 

"Tony Romo" did something crazy and drastic.

"Tony Romo" f*cking kicked a pigeon. Like, he pulled his leg back and swung like Adam Vinetari winning a Super Bowl. He drew this pigeon in with malicious intent, I was speechless. All the damn birds could do was scatter all about the place, all I could do is pick my jaw up off the ground and walk by like I didn't just see that happen. I wish I had more words or jokes to sprinkle on top of the ice cream sundae that is the story of pigeon kicking, but I think it sums itself up so damn well I don't want to taint it with more words.

Rocket J. Squirrel, aka "Rocky"
So getting back on topic, I was walking down the block near the "Washington Design Center" blasting Alex Clare's ""Too Close" and just looking around when I see a squirrel that looks really, really, happy.  Why was  Rocket J. Squirrel so happy?

Now, I was just grumpy this morning, I was tired and hungover-ish (Well, I was just straight hungover I think), and I just decided I didn't want any squirrels to be happy on this day.  

So I kept walking, cursing squirrels under my breath, when I notice something.  A pile of peanuts next to a tree that had clearly been placed there by someone who doesn't hate squirrels on Fridays.

So I took them.  I took peanuts from those four legged versions of seagulls.  Am I proud?  Not really.  Did it feel good?  Little bit.  I just threw the peanuts in the garbage and listened to the squirrels weep, or something.  I dunno, when I threw them away the bass dropped on the song and I couldn't hear them.  Am I a bad person?

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

These Are "Top Tens"...Until I come up with a better title...


"So my good friend SamWow (@therealSamWow and at this site) and I (@tiwytk and at this site) had a brilliant, booze fueled idea this past weekend. It started with a comment about people who have dry weddings hating all their friends and quickly evolved into a 10 things you need to know to have a good wedding. We hope to have quite a few of these 10 things posts so hopefully you'll enjoy reading them as much as we enjoyed writing them. If you don't then take a few moments to pretend I'm deeply hurt by your lack of approval and then continue on with your day. Love ya, mean it.  Really, we do.

1. Don't have a dry wedding. Chances are you're friends won't like you very much because lets be real, people don't really want to think about how happy other people are while sober.

2. Don't plan your wedding on the same day as a major sporting event. It's just rude. (Note: the only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, OR NFL) are the days before and the day after the Major League All star Game.)

3. Make sure there's hotties invited for your single friends. Just because you're getting married doesn't mean you're both done being a good wingman/wing woman.

4. Dance floor. Everyone should see G-Swizzle and SamWow do the "Shamlbin".

5. No reception line. I've always found this to be awkward. You're not a celebrity and you're family members probably aren't either. So lets just skip this and move on to the food and drinks!

6. Don't invite exes (Ted and Stella wedding episode anyone?). If you're that committed to making your ex to see how much better off you are without them, maybe you shouldn't be getting married.  We're looking at you, Eileen.

7. Food. Have lots of it. Simple as that.  And make sure there's finger food so people don't starve while waiting for the main courses, that communion wafer at mass doesn't fill anyone up.


8. For the brides, spare us the bridezilla behavior. Contrary to pop cultures misguiding TV shows, planning a wedding does not suddenly give you the right to crap on the people around you whenever you have a mood.


9. For the grooms, pick your battles during the planning. That's all I'm gonna say.


10. You know that frat brother/sorority sister that always got really drunk in college and was a huge sloppy mess that you think will be a good time? Just don't. I gaurantee they won't be as much fun as you remember."

Eleven Years Later

Everyone remembers where they were on September 11th, 2011.  It's probably safer to say everyone remembers the fear, anger, confusion, and that crushing feeling of helplessness that came with the events of that dark day.  The dead silent skies over most of the country, except in Washington and New York, where and shocked silence was shattered by the sounds of sirens and fighter jets roaring through the skies were the norm for a day or two.

As for me, I was sitting in Miss Parson's science class, right next to the turtles.  We were kids, totally oblivious at the time that the Towers were hit, that the plane went down in Pennsylvania, and only 25 miles away the Pentagon was hit and a we just kept going through the motions.

All of the sudden though, Dr. Love, or principal, came over the PA system and started rattling off names of students to report to the main office.  A ton of kids got called out for early dismissal by parents who saw the news, leaving those of us left in classes to wonder what the hell was going on outside the walls of school.  The teachers knew, but for whatever reason (Probably to keep the level of sanity at a normal level) we weren't told, we all found out from Mom or Dad driving the carpools home.

Now, like I said, most of us remember how we felt watching and hearing what was going on.  I was confused and scared but beyond that I just felt like it wasn't happening. I'm sure people will tell you they instantly felt angry, but it was like taking a punch to the face from Joe Louis; you're stunned, you're not ready to throw your hands up, hell, maybe it knocked you to the mat for a few seconds, but you were gonna get up, eventually seeing the footage of the rubble of three buildings and the plane down in the field in Pennsylvania would pull you off that mat and into the ring again.

Then, as the referee started calling numbers, American pride and the human condition rose out of the rubble of three buildings and a field in Pennsylvania, and stepped up into the fight.  First responders flocked to New York and Washington, American flags flew in every neighborhood, the military started chomping at the bit, and for once, everyone across the United States, black or white, Democrat or Republican, KFC or Popeyes, picked each other up, dusted each other off, and said "How can I help?"

Now fast forward five years, I was watching a "first account" documentary from New York and that's when the magnitude of 9/11 hit me.  Seeing everything all the footage that had been put in front of us on a seemingly endless loop with the addition of survivors accounts and stories from the families of survivors had me (A) crying like a baby and (B) it made cry like a baby.

After probably three hours of watching, I realized I was leaning off the couch (Which was literally right next to the TV set) glued to the TV, emotionally drained, and just shocked at all I had seen and heard from the documentary.  It's amazing stuff to see these people who lost parents, lovers, friends,

So why am I writing this?  Because I still think about that day and those events a lot.  Working in Washington DC clearly brings it up from time to time, the first time I was in New York City reminded me of that day, and naturally watching "United 93" made me think of it.  I'm writing about it because, well, because it's been on my chest and on my mind for a while.  It is one event I will truly never forget, along with Osama Bin Laden being killed, the Beltway Sniper, a few major breakups (one comes to mind), and (as sad as it sounds in comparison) the Rangers/Caps playoff game where Federov scored the OT game winner.

Also, if you haven't seen "United 93", go out and see it as soon as possible.  Also watch "Rescue Me" (It was on FX for like seven years), which tackles the issues of the NYFD/NYPD post 9/11, and all the seasons are on Netflix.  And if you're a fan of the blues, check out this song by John Hiatt.

Epilogue

I've made a lot of fun of the WMATA on here (For good reason) but riding it every day lets you meet a lot of different people with different stories on the world.

Today, I was speaking to a friend of mine, Jason, who works on Capitol Hill and he was telling me that they were on the second floor of the Capitol Building and watched the plume of smoke rise from the Pentagon.  He got pretty much everyone listening a little misty eyed and choked up, if by everyone we mean me.  The most lasting image for me is what he told me he saw when he left the building; women's shoes scattered all around The Hill from women who decided to run and couldn't do it in heels.

Then the gentleman sitting in front of us turned towards us and chimed in with his story, and a new perspective, at least to me.  This gentleman is blind and worked with the Parks Service as a guide (Irony not lost on anyone) and talked about what is was like to hear people bustling around the National Mall and then chaos broke out.

Sadly, Jason and I reached our stop before he could finish his story but for the three blocks we walk together, we talked about it nonstop.  Picture that, being there in middle of the darkest day in American history, and not seeing a thing.


Never forget.