Gotta love the WMATA

So as many of you know, I work just off the National Mall in Washington DC. Many of you also know I take the Metro to work from New Carrollton or College Park to Smithsonian. And some of you text me and ask "So do you see any weird stuff on the Metro?" "Do you get mugged on the Metro?" and my personal favorite, "Do you remember when Dave left us standing on the Metro platform as he rolled away to 'The Rally to Restore Sanity'?"

The answer to the last question is yes, that was an unforgivable event. But not really. I also have never been mugged on the Metro, even though my Mom likes to remind me the last three stops my train makes (Cheverly, Landover, and New Carrollton) are the top three crime centers for the Metro. I don't know if that's true or not.

As for the first question, yes, I have seen some weird shit on the Metro and around the Metro stations so I'm sitting here at 3AM typing this post so I can share the stories with you. Yay!

Weird thing number one, codenamed "Fat Nikki Minaj". So I get on my train, sit down, and get out my iPod and put in the headphones (Whoah Black Betty, bam-a-lam, whhhhoah Black Betty) without looking up. I wish I hadn't looked up.

First off, I'll say Nikki Minaj is ugly as sin and really lacks talent. Bam, sorry if I just rocked your worlds, Minaj fans. "What did you see when you looked up, Bro?" I saw fat Nikki Minaj. It was a woman who must have weighed about two hundred and eighty pounds, taking up the whole seat, wearing about four gallons of make-up, a black tank top, and wait for it...what seemed to be leather pants, that were pink.

They say you can't look away from a train wreck, well you also can't look away from a woman the size of a VW Beetle dressed kinda like a hooker at 6AM. And myself and about ten of my fellow Orange-Liners just kept stealing glances at it, I wanted to take a picture, but instead I got out the old legal pad and wrote down "Write about Fat Nikki Minaj" and this blog post was born.

I saw a lady in nurses scrubs pick up someone's leftover "Washington Post" and look at it for a second before ripping a strip off, throwing it on the floor, looking at it there, then repeating the aforementioned activity till there was a pile of ripped up "Washington Post" on the floor.

I mean, what the hell. She either wanted to make a pinata when the train pulled into Federal Center SW and decided not too by the time she got off the train and New Carrollton, or she needed to pee and needed the newspaper for it's power to adsorb and maybe to wipe. I wish I had a clever nam for this one, but it literally just happened today (well, yesterday, seeing how it is now 3-07AM, I need to re-fill my prescription cuz apparently when I say "Sleep is overrated" I'm wrong. I have to be at work in like, four hours, time for another cup of coffee...).

Let's see what else...

There's always those kinda weird wet spots on the train at like, 5-50AM, I'm one hundred percent sure that those are from homeless people peeing. I once stepped out of my car in the morning, looked down, and saw a condom in my parking space. That was kinda weird, but I didn't really think twice about it. If I had gotten out of my car to no condom, then gotten back into my car and saw a condom there, then I'd have problem with that.

So I have only one other story that kinda trumps them all in my opinion. I was walking around the Mall one day after lunch and saw something that has forever changed my life.

If you've never been to the Mall, it's a gravel walkway on each side with benches facing the grass fields between, lined by museums, government offices, and monuments. Well, these benches attract all sorts of people. Tourists looking to rest wary feet and children, old couples looking to just sit around in white shoes, pants, and visors, government employees like myself enjoying lunch or light conversation, and finally, the homeless.

The homeless, or more specifically one of the homeless, let's call him "Tony Romo". I've seen "Tony Romo" around the area before, he's usually sitting around the Navy Memorial behind the Archives building, guarding his cart full of needles (there's no needles in his cart...that I can see), sleeping bags, tin foil, and American flags. There's a story behind those flags and I need to hear it in the worst way, but that's not the point.

So I saw "Tony Romo" sitting on a bench near Constitution Avenue throwing some random tooth-sized things at his feet, attracting pigeons who were eating whatever it was. I looked away thinking that he was just feeding pigeons, people feed pigeons, people usually don't do something crazy and drastic when you look back at them feeding pigeons.

"Tony Romo" did something crazy and drastic.

"Tony Romo" f*cking kicked a pigeon. Like, he pulled his leg back and swung like Adam Vinetari winning a Super Bowl. He drew this pigeons in with malicious intent, I was speechless. All the damn birds could do was scatter all about the place, all I could do is pick my jaw up off the ground and walk by like I didn't just see that happen. I wish I had more words or jokes to sprinkle on top of the ice cream sundae that is the story of pigeon kicking, but I think it sums itself up so damn well I don't want to taint it with more words.

So yeah, that's just the best of my Metro tales and DC tales. There will be more, and more other weird stories of stuff I've seen but this is all for now.

He. F*cking. Kicked. The. Pigeon.

Holy ball(s).