There are 619 Million Reasons to Read This Post

In this post, I'm gonna do something I've wanted to do for a long, long time.  It's finally time for me to tell you all how I would spend a MegaMillions Jackpot of $619,000,000.  In list form.  In all it's glory.

Now, I realize most of these will be totally overkill for pricing of stuff, but I'm not gonna price out dollars and cents.  Also, one of my friends said "Did you account for taxes?"  Hell no.  This is fantasy world, taxes didn't exist in Roller Coaster Tycoon, why would they exist here haha?

Enjoy, let's go.

1. $ 1,000,000 to Anthony (@MDsOwn) for his dream truck(s).  That's right buddy, you're #1.
2. $ 300,000,000 straight to my fancy new PNC Bank Account (Lame I know, but it's a lot of money to spend).
3. $ 5,000,000 to a trip through Europe for myself, my family, and whoever else I wanna bring.
4. $ 500,000 on this house.
5. $ 1,000,000 on things for that house.
6. $ 2,000,000 home theater and garage upgrades for that house. 
7. $ 2,500,000 on this vacaction home.
8. $ 1,000,000 on things for that house.
9. $ 1,000,000 to pay off my parents' house and the rest for utilities.
10. $ 5,000,000 to my friends for their "Dream Cars".
11. $ 500,000 to the "Dream Vacation" for me and the girlfriend.
12. $ ?,000,000 for Redskins Season Tickets for life.  It will probably wind up being well over 619,000,000 million just for parking alone, Danny Snyder, you're an asshole.
13. $ 15,000,000 to give to people going to Redskins games for their parking.
14. $ ?00,000 for six seats for a life time of Washington Capitals tickets (Up in them 400s!)
15. $ 7,000,000 for a trip for my whole  family to Alaska.  By air, land, and sea.  Boom.
16. $ 500,000 for the cost of the bar tab from that trip, after that ya'll on your own.
17. $ 5,000,000 to Boys and Girls Club of America.
18. $ 1,000,000 to the ASPCA.
19. $ 1,000,00 to Habitat for Humanity.
20. $ 5,000,000 to the Community of Hope - DC.
21. $ 5,000,000 to the American Cancer Society.
22. $ 5,000,000 to Lance Armstrong's LIVESTRONG Foundation..
23. $ 3,000,000 to DeMatha Catholic High School for whatever.  It would get my name on a brick, or a plaque in a hallway I'm sure.
24. $ 1,000,000 to University of Maryland for new football jerseys (Zing.).
25. $ 1,000,000 to St. Pius the Tenth Regional School in Bowie, MD (Where I graduated grade school).
26. $ 1,000,000 to St. Jerome's Catholic School/Church in Hyattsville, MD.
27. $ 2,000,000 to my friends to pay off college loans, sex change operation surgery, Taco Bell franchises, prostitutes, "Booger Sugar", or maybe they'd bribe their parents into letting him/her (her) buy a puppy.
28. $ 2,000,000 for my friend Gina's (Twitter: @tiwytk // and  her blog is here) conservatory (I had to Google it to find out what it is).
29. $ 45,000,000 for one of these bad boys, Pappa's gotta get from place to place, right?
30. $ 5,000,000 for a bus rental, driver, tickets, etc. for a trip around the country to every Major League ball park in the US and Canada for myself and a few friends.
31. $ 1,000,000 to the "Sam Wants to go to Alotta of Concerts Fund"
32. $ 5,000,000 for a pimped out M1 Abrams tank, cuz I gotta get to 7-11 somehow.
33. $ 2,000,000 for all new clothes, suits, ties,shoes, hats.  I know, I know, that's a lot of money for a ton of Under Armour shirts, thrift store suits, and hats...but I'd have to pay a lot of shoe companies to make shoes that are normally only "Regular" size to wides...
34. $ 63,000,000 to the Smithsonian Institution.  That's a sure fire way to get me on the board of one of them and then I can see all the behind the scenes stuff.  Sixty three milly well spent.
35. $ 5,000,000 to scientific research to make chickens with for more than two wings so the price of chicken wings will finally go down.
36. $ 1,000,000 for chicken wings.
37. $ 1,000,000 for a sit down with John Madden and Troy Aikman in front of an audience.  Everyone with a comment on how shitty they are at commentating can step up and let them know.
38. $ 500,000 for tomatoes to throw at Aikman at the sit down.
39. $ 2,500,000 to "Out Bottle Service" Jay-Z, Kanye, Kevin Hart, Floyd Money Mayweather or whoever else wants to rise to the challenge in Vegas or New York.
40. $ 2,000,000 for a tricked out Irish pub in Downtown Annapolis, called, uh, Carroll's Corner, or something like that.
41. $ 2,000,000 for a epic 72 hole mini golf course/driving range/batting cage complex...also with a full service bar.
42. $ 10,000,000 liquor budget.  Cuz that's how I roll.
43. $ 7,000,000 for a "Speed Camera" budget haha.
44. $ 1,000,000 for an empty aircraft hanger with a basketball court, giant moon-bounce boxing ring thing, foam pit, and softball field just outside of it on the grounds.
45. $ 1,000,000 for an empty warehouse with tons of floors and obstacles...and hundreds of NERF guns and thousands upon thousands of rounds of ammunition.
46. $ 3,000,000 to some waiters or waitresses for the tips of his/her lifetime.  I wouldn't give it to one person all it once, just big tips over time for a while.  That's how you impress a girl on a first date.
47. $ 45,000,000 to, as Kramer put it, "Do?  Do?  Hey, I'm doing what I do.  Ya know, I've always done what I do.  I'm doing what I do.  The way I've always done it, and the way I'll always do it."  Basically, this last forty five million is for whatever strikes me at the moment it strikes me.  

On a serious note here, I put links to all those charities there (Numbers 17-22) and donating is never a bad idea.  I try to  give what I can each month to one of those five charities, Community of Hope and LIVESTRONG being my most frequent choices.  It's never bad to donate to a charity and help those who need it more than you, and it feels pretty good when you get a "Thank You Letter", even if they are just a cookie cutter response.  Pay it forward people.

 

Untitled Post Part Two

I once did acid with Morgan Freeman.

Yeah, you're probably pretty jealous right now, but wait...I didn't really do acid with Morgan. I had a dream where I did though.

You're probably wondering two things - (A) What the hell is Sam writing about? (B) What's Morgan like on acid?

Well, the answer to your first question is I'm writing this post about my dreams, sleep problems, and sleepwalking. I decided to do it when I dreamed I dropped acid with Morgan Freeman, even though I wouldn't know acid if you dropped it right in front of me.

In the dream they were just little tea-bag looking things(which after some research I found out isn't what they look like) that we bought from a dealer outside of PG County Stadium (Home of the Baysox) after a game then went to Chik-Fil-A and went crazy on those Spicy Chicken sandwiches. Me and Morgan both hate pickles, or at least he hates them in dream world.

Now, for your second question. Morgan is awesome to do acid with. We talked about how he made Evan and Bruce "Almighty", how he drove Mrs. Daisy, how he redemption-ed Shawshank, how he summed up all fears, and how he helped make sure to keep baby out of the corner. Then we high fived, he walked into the parking lot, flipped a SmartCar with his bare hands, and rode off in his sleigh which was pulled by Matthew Broderick, Denzel Washington, Jay Pharoah, and Cary Elwes.

So onto the next dream, this one is extremely normal compared to the one above.

And note the fact that there's no semi-witty segway, I'm swinging for the fences here.

This next dream happens a lot, like, four or five times a week.

It always starts out the same way, with me running through different places whether it's down the hallways from episodes of "Scooby Doo" (You know the ones with all the doors), running around DeMatha, Maryland's campus, Dave's condo, the Taco Bell in Severna Park, Ace in Severna Park, around a couch or table, or sprinting through the set of "Community".

I run for a while, turn a corner and there she is, "Mystery Blonde Girl".

I've never seen her face, she just keeps running away from me so I keep chasing her and chasing her but I never catch her. I ususally just run after her for a while until I trip and fall or run into something and next thing you know, I'm awake lying on the floor of my room.

This dream has been going on for maybe four months, but "Mystery Blonde Girl" has made guest apperances in my dreams for at least a year, it's weird. Really weird. But at least it's "Mystery Blonde Girl" instead of Jake Gyllenhall.

The next dream is easily explained, I have dreams where my friends murder me. Well, I can't really explain it, they just kill me. It's that simple. It's always a different friend and always a different way for me to die. Thanks guys.

And if you're wondering, Wes gets me with the machete, Kelly hits me with her car, Dave shoots me, Mikey stabs me, Mike beats me with a baseball bat, BoomKing uses a bazooka (I can actually explain that), and Brian uses nun-chucks.

My friends mercilessly beat, stab, chop, shoot, eat (the one who ate me will surprise people, I'll just say it's a she), and hit me until I'm fading out and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, then I wake up. Next time I see them, I'm secretly mad, concerned, and very alert. They're really weird dreams and I don't think my friends would kill me, but I can't be too sure cuz as soon as I trust them, it's over and I'm getting chopped up like in the end of "Things Fall Apart".

Okay, so now we're going to get into the final piece of this freak-show I've presented that just happens to be my sleeping habits. Sleepwalking.

The first time I sleepwalked (slept-walked? I dunno) I just remember going to bed in my room and waking up on the couch. That's happened a few times and it's never a big deal, just kinda weird but hey, at least I'm staying in the house and on the ground.

This next story took the game to the next level. This story is triple overtime with game seven on the line. This story is streets ahead. This story is, well, epic. And one I'll tell till the day i die.

So, if you've played "Call of Duty Black Ops" you remember the scene where you're the guy in the space suit walking across the runway to get into the Blackbird to fly around and guide the squadron. If you didn't let me paint you a picture.

It's a hazy day, you're in a yellow space suit walking across the tarmac, saluting the men out there with you. Then you get to a flight of stairs, you walk up them, get into the cockpit, close the hatch, and you take off to start the mission.

Now, let me set up my part of the story. I have a "split level" house and all that means is that when you walk in my front door, you can go upstairs or downstairs from the landing.

Below is a fine artist's rendition of the layout of the bottom half of the steps. He's probably pretty proud of the fern-thing he drew, so be sure to compliment it.

Ok, so that arrow is pointing to a major player in this story. Like, what Jason Campbell was to the Redskins. A big deal. That arrow is pointing to a part of the ceiling that drops down and slants, giving you less clearance. That's really all the set up I guess this needs so here we go.

I dreamt (Dreamed? You'd think an English "major" would know) that I was walking up the stairs about to climb into my jet, the hatch closed and I did the final checks, throttled the engines, worked the elevator flaps, and flipped a bunch of random switches before looking out the window and giving the thumbs up to the men on the ground who quickly pulled the equipment away so I could take off.
Then I kicked the throttle open and, felt the jet burst from under me, and then...

I woke up.

Well, I didn't just wake up, I woke up perched on the landing, toes curled over it, arms swept back like wings, and knees bent, ready to launch into the air and go defeat the Communists. That's a terrifying way to wake up and now I'll tell you why...

I was ready to explode into the air, and as we all know from that nice little arrow I drew in that awesome artwork I made, if I had jumped off the landing, there's a 100% chance my head would have smashed into that piece of the ceiling so hard that it would have been one of those moments where my body kept moving, but my face stayed in one spot. The ultimate clothesline.

In between my face smahing into the ceiling and the roughly seven step drop that would have followed (if I missed the ceiling, I would have just smashed through the drywall at the bottom of the steps which would have also been painful), that would have hurt. Alot. That shook me up pretty bad when I was able to step off the ledge and get my head straight.

That would have be tough to explain to the parents when they woke up and saw their son lying in a bloody crumpled heap on the floor. But I know what I would have said when I realized they were there and they saw me. "Mission accomplished sirs. Our country is safe, and the wind of God is at our backs." I dunno why I would have said that, I dunno why the wind of God is at our backs, but it just was.

So yeah, that pretty much wraps this one up. There might be some more weird dreams posts and I would love for someone to tell me what they think the "Mystery Blonde Girl" dreams are trying to tell me. Actually that would be awesome if someone could, cuz those really bother me.

Also before I forget if you have a beard/have had a beard/are a beard lover, I want your input soon. I'm doing a post on beards, the pros and cons, and the perception on beards from guys and girls alike. I have a few people I want to talk to, but any input is welcome and will be used.

I also want some more guest posts cuz then stuff gets posted that I don't have to do any real work on! You can write it on any subject, just email me (samcarroll9@gmail.com), Facebook me (SamWow Carroll), find me on Twitter (@therealSamWow), call me if you got my number, or write it down and just hand it to me.

Look Ma! I'm on the TV!

A giant nosed thrity-one year old co-worker of mine once told me "Hey Sam, you should have your own talk show." I had no clever response, I still don't. I want my own talk show and I'm gonna talk about what I wanna do on it and why I wanna do it. This introduction paragraph was alot longer in the draft but it was pointless and rambled on (like this sentence) so I cut it (unlike this sentence).

Picture it man, every night at _ _ : _ _ PM on _______, America's #1 Network, beaming into your living room, me, The Real SamWow. Well, don't picture it. I know what you're thinking, "We took Howard Stern off the TV ," you say "We need to keep these uggos off the TV, put them on the radio!" If you didn't know, Howard Stern is really ugly. Also, the word "uggos" means ugly. There we go, I taught you guys something. Mission accomplished.

So why do I want to do a talk show? That's easy. I love making people laugh, smile, and feel good. It's why I like waking up in the morning and it's probably something I try to hard at sometimes, but I need it to survive.

I'd love to be able to run out onto stage every night, wait for the que, then dive into my monolouge, joking about the current whatever, doing some stupid gesture ("POP, POP!"), do a bad impression, and my personal favorite, doing a really white, really stupid dance.

Another reason is I love pop culture for some reason. I love television, movies, magazines, all of it. I want to meet people from my favorite movies like Will Smith, Natalie Portman, James Franco, Anne Hathaway, Jake Gyllenhall, Jeff Bridges, Bill Murray, Jessica Biel, and Matt Damon.

I want to do interviews with some football player or coach who just won the Super Bowl and brings the Lombardi trohpy to the set, I want to meet Tiger Woods and thank him for getting me to like golf, and I want to talk to Rick Reilly (former Sports Illustrated writer) and thank him for driving my love of writing.

I'd want to meet and talk to the "average" person that has to became extraordinary in an unusual circumstance. The Sully Sullenbergers of the world, the Major Dick Winters, the Chad Urmstoms. The people who have a story or message that doesn't get the recognition they deserve.


We all have seem when the host says "Well (Celebrity Name), thanks for stopping by." Then the show cuts to commercial. If you watch the talk shows, just before commercial, the host leans in and talks to the guest. What do they say? I have an idea...

Me - "Hey Will (Smith), thanks for coming by, really means alot. Love the suit."
Will Smith - "Thanks man, I've been reading your blog since the "Potty Talk" post, good shit Brah, good shit."
Me - "Really? (I'm super excited so I lie to him and say) Thanks man, I really enjoyed you in that movie 'Hancock'".
Will Smith - "Haha, thanks but you don't need to lie. I'm sorry for 'Hancock' I didn't like it either but I needed the money, shoulda let Nicholas Cage do that one."

I have that talk in my head alot, that Will Smith is just such a nice guy.

Now onto the guests and what not. I already made a promise to a good friend of mine that he could be first up. He hails from the five-oh-eight, also known as Massachusets. And his name is Mike, but to some(just me) he's known "Milford Swagger" (or he doesn't and hates that nickname).

You all have seen his work. He was in all the viral hits from a few years back like "Glove Hero", "Anti-Thesis", and "Free Running Rock Out Style Parts One & Two". He's just your usual "Dude" who loves sports, Goldfish, and Buffalo Wild Wings (Aww hell yeah, I should just host the show from there).

Now I don't know who my second guest would be. Maybe my Grandmommy. I don't think many talk shows have rolled into existence with two unknown guests. "And tonight, on The SamWow Show, Mike and Grandmommy with musical guests the people I know that were in Severna Parks band!" That's not going to get the pull we need to keep the show going, even though that would be an epic show for me, but I know those people.

Ok, so that's all I got. This post was kinda made from thirteen different paragraphs on six different pages so I hope people like it but the truth is I'm low on ideas for new posts. If you have any ideas for me, let me know and I'll get back to writing.

Also, hopefully, this post doesn't suck.