Putting the "Wow" Back In SamWow, Part Two

Okay, so yesterday I rolled out "Putting the 'Wow' Back In SamWow, Part One" and well, quite frankly no one saw it, which is fine.  I'm writing it for me so I can get my thoughts together, and if I can touch someone with what I write that's even better.  However, I will say it is a bit different from my usual stuff like my posts about the mall, America's favorite Frenchman Herve Benoit, or my chilling expose on potty talk because those were built for speed and laughs. 

These on the other hand, are built for longevity.  I'm trying to devlop as a person and keep myself from doing something stupid, but enough random talking; let's get into it. 

A week ago, I had an idea for something I jokingly called "Hugs Without Borders" and it's my millionth crazy scheme. Hopefully this one sticks.

So what is "Hugs Without Borders"?  Well, it's not me flying all over the world like the great folks with Doctors Without Borders (Who you can donate to here.), even though I would totally do that if it was do-able.

It's driving out of your way to see a friend in need, even if they're too proud to admit it.  It's smiling at a stranger and wishing them a good day as you step off the elevator.  It's giving up your seat on a crowded bus so someone else can sit down.  It's holding the door open for a mother and her children.  It's calling your parents, or anyone really, to just chat.  It's paying the toll for the car behind you.  It's making that one dollar donation at the grocer's checkout to help find a cure for prostate cancer.  It's dropping a few dollars extra on a tip.  It's dancing like a fool to make a friend laugh.  It's story telling to get someone's mind out of a dark place.

But at it's simplest core, it's a gesture, no matter how small, where you put yourself aside and make someones day, change a frown into a smile, and maybe get that person to do the same for someone else.  Picture the movie "Pay It Forward", just without Kevin Spacey, Haley Joel Osment, Jon Bon Jovi, and Jay Mohr (And I think Helen Hunt was in it, but it might have been Meg Ryan, they're the same person in my book).  That's what I'm going for here, it's not some earth shattering idea like the Chillow, it's something we all know  about but don't act upon enough.

Some of you might laugh, and dismiss this as some stupid little scheme and I understand.  I'm not going to argue with it, you can't please everyone and that's not why I'm here.  I just want to bring so good into the world and spread it like butter.

I want to follow in the steps of Kid President, Randy Pausch, Zach Sobiech, or any of the millions of other people who's stories, actions, and lives have inspired the world. 

That's all for now.  Until next time.


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Editor's Note // All those links at the bottom are things you really should watch if you want to get on board or just get inspired.  Just as a disclaimer the Randy Pausch video is over an hour long but it's amazing.  His bio is here if you want a quick hitter but nothing tops the video (Or the book, which made me cry like a baby and I would love to buy it for you if you want it...maybe.).

Putting the "Wow" Back In SamWow, Part One.

In the late spring of 2005, I was 15 and a rower on the crew team at DeMatha Catholic High School.  We had a dreadful year, finished what felt like a record of 0-100 (With one second place finish) but we had some laughs and a decent time.  Sorry, I'm getting off track so let's get back onnit.

It was the end of the season and we were all sitting in our "practice facility" which was really just an old Buick dealership/shop with all the equpiment laid out on top of the asbestos.  We were shooting the shit (Yes, I said shit) and waiting for our respective turns for the end of year reviews with the coaches.  We joked about what they would say, who might cry (Laputz was getting ragged on hard core), and what next year would be like when they called my name and I stood up to go into the garage.

In that short walk, everything I did wrong went through my head; the day I sat stroke, couldn't keep a steady pace and caught at least three crabs (rowing term, not the deliscous crustecean) and was probably my worst day on the water.  I thought about all the loses we had, mostly the race at Georgetown where we raced our hearts out for a 3rd place finish and heard Coach yelling from the shore "Head up DeMatha!" and I remember getting really emotional.  On our slow, painful row back to the dock, our "sister schools" rowed by us and congratulated us on the race but none of it helped. 

So it was a pretty scary feeling walking into that garage and sitting down in front of the coaches and I was sure I'd be cut or not asked back (The team was actually too small to afford to cut anyone).  I distinctly remember walking across to the seat they had for me and never looking up, I was staring daggers into my sweet New Balance 574s.

Well I sat down and we started the review, I don't remember all that was said, but it was probably a lot of "Well you did good here.  Improve here.  What can we do different here.  How'd this feel.  What about next year." and then they shook my hand and I stood to leave.  That's when my coach, Jim Case, said something to me that still hits me to this day (Pardon my French his French).

"There's just one problem, Carroll.  You always got that giant head down; keep your fucking head up.  You're a DeMatha Stag.  You're a big strong kid with a lot ahead of you.  If I see you with your head down I'm gonna call you out."

I walked out of there with my head up, but it probably sagged back down as soon as I got back into the main room.  Well hell, I promise you it did.  My head went down that day and has stayed down since that day for the most part, but that's all gonna change.

I've been beating (eating?) around the bush for too long on this whole thing and now that's done.  I'm going to write more about what's going on, what I'm trying to fix, and more as time goes on, just wanted to kick it off and remind everyone to keep ya chins up.

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Editors Note // The posts in this series might come off as somewhat of a bummer, but that's the nature of the beast.  I want to inspire and tell a story and to do that you need to make yourself and others feel.  I hope you enjoy -- Sam

Your Thoughts (Mostly Mine Though)

Okay, so I have some new, different, possibly fun and exciting things in the hopper.  I've hired a research and devlopment department to handle the sudden over flow of ideas, fan mail, tweets, and they even eat and sleep for me, things I clearly can no longer afford to do myself since I have a job and people keep bothering me about this blogging thing.

I've wanted to do a post like this for a while, but my trip to Bermuda, weekend drinking in West Virginia, and other little day to day things keep on getting in the way.  Here we go.


Number One - It's stupid hot in the District area this week, and the last couple of weeks.  I have a picture of some beers I had in Bermuda sitting in my cubical at work and all I want to do is drink it.  I look at the beer everyday, I'm sitting in the Real SamWow Offices beer-less.  Also, my Michael Jordan card is right under it, it looks like he's dunking in the porter.  Basically I really want a beer.


Number Two - In my building at work we have a cleaning company.  The cleaning company has two women of Hispanic origin that work my floor and today I was walking around the corner and heard them talking in Spanish.  Or Portuguese, or something, I'm no expert.  As soon as I turned the corner, it went dead silent and they just stared at me.


Going with my usual routine, I said "Good afternoon." and kept walking.  They started whispering.  I have no idea what they said, or what they were saying, but I'm assuming my cube will never get vacuumed, or the trash taken out.  Or maybe I'll find a dead chicken head on my seat.  What did I do?

Number Three - I just realized my blog title doesn't really make sense, none of these are "Your Thoughts", so I added the extra title.  That's how I roll.

Number Four - Steve Nash is one of the most entertaining athletes out there.  He's up with with Peyton Manning and Shaq on the Mt. Rushmore on entertaining athletes.  Here's the link to his latest commercial, just click here. It's hilarious.

Number Five - Do I have enough for a fifth post?  Not really.  What I can give you is a teaser of my next post, it's going to be a terrible teaser though.

My next post will be the first post where I pay money, my own damn money, to bring you, the reader, intense pleasure that nothing else can provide.  Like heroin laced with unicorn farts, this is gonna be amazing. Or terrible, or the most likely option, it will be a middle of the road "I laughed, I cried, I lost fifteen pounds" type of post that I'm known for.

Until then.  Pax.

T-Shirts!

Hey everyone.  I was talking to my spirit guide, Anthony Nelson (@MDsOwn), this weekend and we've decided to make a RealSamWow t-shirt.

If I can get enough interest, I'll go ahead and make up a few and let me know if you want one and the size you need.

So hit me up on Facebook (SamWow Carroll or my Official Fan Page), Twitter (@therealSamWow), or e-mail (samcarroll9@gmail.com) and let me know.

I'll get a new post up this week so stay tuned.

Bring Em Back

Sports. Action movies. Food. Booze. Staring at and talking about women. These are all things that bring men together as a group to talk, bond, and get drunk. Actually, all of those things can be done/lead up to getting drunk. Watch "Waterworld" drunk and you'll really enjoy it.
There's another place where men are gathered together in a huddled mass, looking forward into the future. Or, at least forwards into a tile backsplash, cinderblock wall, or maybe just some plywood blocking you from the elements.

That place is a bathroom, with a trough.

Now this is not the ideal place to bond. Never try to bond when a man when you're in the bathroom or anywhere were genitalia are exposed. Way to risky. Walk up to a guy, lean on the wall, and say "Hey man, come here often?" will always be really creepy if skin is exposed that's in the pelvic area. Don't do it.

Back on topic. Troughs are great, it's a great way to eliminate lines at bathrooms in stadiums, arenas, and ballparks. All you need is like a ten foot long steel/porcelain/stone, well, trough, a single drain, and a bout ten urinal cakes to spread around the bottom so the whole place doesn't start to smell like straight asparagus pee.

Now, I know girls will think that this is gross that men can just congregate around a giant toilet with no stall walls or doors and just unzip and let it rip, but I mean, if you put a shot glass on the floor and told a guy that was the toilet, he'd pee innit. We're guys, we don't care where we go to the bathroom, as long as we get to "pee-pee" or "make doody" we're pretty damn happy.

Some of you may be thinking "Wow, I really think SamWow is right (again) and how it must be really mentally taxing to be batting 1.000 when it comes to being right but someone has to do it." but hopefully you're thinking that "He's right, and there need to be more troughs in public restrooms so I can be one with my fellow man." First of all, I told you that is not why we men enjoy troughs. You need to listen more. It's all about the ease and convenience of being able to pee and walk away after a rousing game of urinal cake hockey with the guy three streams down.

Save the troughs my friends, save them. By the way, I'm back.

Potty Talk

Okay, so I re-read this post and wanted to say something at the start. Writing this and reading the messages I got from you guys on the subject made me laugh till I cried. This was awesome, and the contributions from you guys made it what it is. Thanks for all the love, enjoy it (maybe).

So here we go, guys belly up to the bar and listen in, ladies, next door on the left please, you're time will come. Let's talk bathrooms. I just walked out of one and came back to the computer to type this blog post.

Now, the bathroom I just left is in my house, it's clean, comfortable, and has a fan.

The bathrooms I wanna talk about aren't. I wanna talk about public bathrooms. Office buildings, resturants, rest stops, and tons of other places have them, we've all used them, why not talk about the unwritten rules for each? I've contaced leading experts and you'll hear what they have to say as well as my views.

Okay so let's role play a bit here, we'll call this "Scenario #1". You're sitting at your desk reading America's Favorite Blog (The Real SamWow), sipping on some water and all the sudden your bladder is full. What do you do? You calmy rise from your seat, walk down the hall to the local bathroom, unzip, let it rip, and you're done right? Right. ("Unzip, let it rip" sounds different than it did in my head, aka it sounds kinda gross now.)

If you said "Yeah SamWow, you're right! I am done!" Well then you're wronger than all the people who think Lil Wayne is a great rapper (for you old timers, that's alot of people).

As soon as you touch that door handle there's unwritten rules that come into play and we're gonna start right about now...

Rule number one come to us from Mike (aka "Milford Swagga") who, like me, thinks when you're in the bathroom at a urinal, your eyes need to stay forward. There's nothing to your right or left that you need to see. Nothings creepier than some guy standing at a urinal looking all over the place, invading your private space, some funny look on their face (triple rhyme, come at me Weezy).

Now, the above rule segways nicely into rule number two, which Wesley (aka "The Ginga Ninja" aka "Supreme Ninja Overlord God") summed up nicely in a text saying "1, 3, 5". "Oh man, I wonder what that means?" Oh, glad you asked. Public restrooms on average have three urials and two stalls (totally made up). The "1, 3, 5 Rule" means if "Gentleman A" is at urinal #1, it automatically makes urinal #2 off limits for "Gentleman B", leaving urinal #3 the only option.

Now I know what you're thinking (I usually do), "But Sam, there's an open urinal. I need to pee, and I love how convient urinals are." We all do Bro, it's just too cramped then, you might bump your fellow bathroom patron on accident causing some embarassing stains and spillage. Don't take that risk. If you see all the urinals are full, turn to the stalls, if the stalls are full, then breifly consider the sink (don't pee in the sink), if the sink won't work, then belly up to urinal #2, eyes forwards, and do your duty.

Rule number three comes from my personal life coach Michael (aka "Mikey Dubbs" aka "The Arab"). Don't talk at the urinals. For the love of God, don't talk at a urinal. I don't know if it's cuz there's too many exposed um, body parts, or because it's just a weird place to say anything. What can you say? "How about the game?" or "How's work?" or "How's the dinnner? That girl you're with is fine."?

None of those things would sound good coming from a guy standing at a urinal. Also, I feel like if someone was going to talk to me at the urinal they'd have to be (A) right next to me which breaks the "1, 3, 5 Rule" and (B) his eyes might not be facing forwards breaking another rule. If he talks anywhere but at the sink, I'll cut him.

The number four rule I have for going "Secnario Number One" in the public bathroom is one I was reminded of by a man of great knowledge, you know who it is - Michael again. Michael texted me one final rule for his bathroom usage - "Shake twice so it doesn't look like you're playing with yourself." True dat Dubbs, true dat. I feel like that's pretty self explaintory for guys, you dont' want to walk into a bathroom and see and Bro convulsing at a urinal.

Okay now ladies, come back into the room cuz I have some advice to give from my girl Kelly (Fun fact, Kelly is a huge fan of Harriet Tubman and Samothy). I wish I had more and I'm sorry I don't but I never use women's bathrooms and didn't get too many responses (which makes Kelly a Champion) from girls I asked.

So onto Kelly's advice - "If you pee on the toilet seat clean it up." True that sister, I feel like it's more of a problem for girls but I've walked into some men's bathrooms where there's some pee-pee on the toilet seat. Lift up the damn seat guys, are you that lazy? Jeebas.

Now onto the "Scenario #2" aka "Taking a Dump". This is where stuff can really get iffy. Alot of people just flat out said "Don't do that in a public bathroom." and usually I agree until it becomes an emergency and I feel like most people agree. Now, the comments I got on this subject were pretty much the same.

Michael and Brian (aka "Brain" aka "Pass the SunChips Cracka") both agreed that if you gotta two, cover that toilet seat with double ply toliet paper before getting to work. Those little toilet seat covers they provide aren't enough. It's a piece of tissue paper, you can rip it just by picking it up. That's not enough to fight off toilet seat bacteria.

Hey science, get me a better seat cover. Balls in your court, nerds.

Okay, so my final rule I shouldn't even have to say. Always wash your hands. And wash them well. You're handling some stuff that's dirty. Some people do the "Foot Flush" and that's good, but still soap up in that sink. I'm tired of the guys who step up to the sink, look in the mirror, fix the tie and pants, and roll out. You're gross.

So that's all I got, I hope you guys like it and learn something (I spent like, five hours on it). I wanna thank all the people who helped with my "research" and tell them I love them all. Thanks for reading.