Obligatory Redskins Post

You don't need to know much about me to know that I'm madly in love with my Washington Redskins, blonde sillies, beers, and a lot of other things.  If you're someone who's read my blog from the start, you've probably noticed I try to leave sports out of my posts because I don't want to alienate people from reading cuz they don't like sports or, even worse, don't like my teams.

Today is the exception.  If you dislike the Redskins or football, go read another one of my older posts but if you like sentimental stories about love and Thai food, keep reading.  It'll pay off towards the end, I promise.

So with the big playoff game against the Seattle Sea-hacks coming up Sunday afternoon, I've been thinking a lot about the Redskins teams I've watched in my twenty-two years being alive.  Sadly in those twenty two years, I've watched a massive amount of suck, but I was technically alive for one Super Bowl, but I wasn't even one yet...so let's not rush to count that as anything.

Ok, so now, without further adieu, I give you my Top 10 Most Memorable Redskins Moments (For Better or Worse).

10. The 2011 Season: A Fan On The Drink Brink:

There's not a lot of good things that can be said about the Redskins in 2011.  Rex Grossman, John Beck "led" the offense, the offensive line was constantly in flux (I hate you, Jamal Brown), and once again John Beck.  This season actually made me want to heavily self medicate...with booze...and it still makes me mad to this day and if you're a Redskins fan, it should make you mad too.  Hey, I didn't say they'd be ten good memories, now did I?

9. The 2008 Season: The Year I Loved The Kool-Aid

In hind sight, it makes me sick how cised I was for this Redskins team.  Jim Zorn (America's Friendliest Neighbor) had just taken the reigns, Greg Blatche was running the defense, and Al Saunder's 700 page playbook was on it's way to cash unemployment checks.  The Skins went out and signed DeAngelo Hall and traded for Jason Taylor for that outside pass rush.  We drafted a speedster in Devin Thomas, a big body WR in Malcolm Kelly, and Colt Brennan (Who I hated).

Then the season started...and we were 6-2 and the bandwagon was in full spring.  The only bad part was the season went on for eight more games, and I don't think I'll remember eight games more clearly. Picture six gut punches, two more times where you don't get punched, but he really scares you until you hit him.  The Skins ended that year and I actually got excited for the following year, cuz I'm a moron.

8. Vote The Redskins Ticket: Literally

So the year is 2008 and the Skins were 6-2ish.  Well, at that same time, I had just registered to vote for extra credit in History class and I was headed to the polls to vote in my own Democratic little way.  Well I'm in the little voting box thing and for one of the nubby positions I selected "Write In" and proceded to type in "Jim Zorn".  I was drunk off Kool Aid, and clearly "Horny for Zorny"

7. A Man Of Many Faces: Clinton Portis

Southeast Jerome

YESSSSSS.  Finally a bright spot in my list.  The Skins traded Champ Bailey for CP26, aka "Southeast Jerome", "Kid Bro Sweets", "Sherrif Gonna-Getcha", and other names and I'll always remember his first time touching the ball in a regular season game.  He took the ball right up the gut against the Bucs for a 64 yard TD run.  I was instantly hooked.

In a few seasons, he was really the only consistent player on the Redskins squads.  He amassed almost 7,000 yards in his seven years averaging 4.4 a clip, he found the endzone 49 times, and was a leader in the lockerroom and on the field...at least for most of it.  And I loved the costumes he would don for weekly interviews, he kept things lively and loose at Redskins Park in Ashburn.

Now I'm sure a lot of people think he was terrible for the team, but he was the first Skin I could look at as a "True Redskin".  I'm a 90s kid, I didn't get to see Riggo, Monk, Clark, Theisman, Butz, Mann, Manley, Hanburger, Harvey, Jacoby, Grimm, and Mosley play.  He was my first Redskins "legend".

6. The "Best 22 I'll Ever See": Mark Brunell Sets A NFL Record

It was a game in Houston in 2006.  I was at my Grandmommy's in Hyattsville, MD watching the game with the family.  Mark Brunell completed 22 consecutive passes.  I'll always remember that, what a terrible memory.

5. Don't Call It A Comeback: The Return of Joe Gibbs

I'll always remember this.  I was a freshman at DeMatha Catholic High School in the pre-smart phone era and there were rumors swirling about Joe Gibbs returning to the Redskins.  All I really knew about Joe was that he had led the Redskins to three Super Bowl victories and was an "Offensive genius", no one told me that label was given in 1981, but either way.  We had a Hall of Fame coach coming to back to the Skins.

Joe Gibbs took the team to a place I had never really seen, the playoffs.  In both 2005 and 2007 the Skins marched into the playoffs, the '07 campaign I remember the most vividly with the "5-0 or we don't go" mantra.  

Joe brought in players that Redskin nation loved in Chris Cooley, Clinton Portis, Sean Taylor, London Fletcher, and others.  Ultimately, Gibbs ended his second stint at 38-46 with a 1-2 record in the playoffs, but at least he brought us playoffs.

4. My Man Crush: The Mike Sellers Edition

Question:  Who's the sexiest, most talented, down to earth, dominant 6'3" two hundred and seventy three pound person on earth?

Answer:  This guy.  Not me, the picture below this.

Yes.  That's right.  Mike Sellers, aka "Caveman", "Bam-Bam", and "Dat Boy".  Mike was a bruising blocker as a lead runner for Clinton Portis, stud pass blocker for the thousand Redskins QBs he played with, and had some of the softest hands the NFL has seen on a man his size (Which allowed him to rack up 21 total TDs as a Skin).  

Mike Sellers is right up there on my Mount Rushmore of Redskins players (That I've watched, not of all time, chill) and is probably my favorite Redskin of all time.

And no, I didn't forget the time he was on the news and they surprised him with the news that he was having another baby girl, it's just the link on WJLA-ABC7's website is dead (I'm writing them an angry letter as we speak).  You'll just have to trust me it was a majestic moment.  

3. Alfred Does Dallas: December 30th, 2012

Finally, we're in 2012.  The new Redskin team, the team that's ripped off seven straight wins, the last one being the most majestic...let me paint you a word picture:

It's a cold, still night in Landover, the NFC East is on the line and the Dallas Cowboys are coming to town with America's Hype Machine shoved so far up their ass I see it poking out of Jerry Jone's wrinkly old catcher's mitt of a face.  The team that wins marches into the playoffs, loser goes home.  This is the type of game December football is built for.  

The crowd in FedEx Field (America's Largest Coffee Filter) is 98% Redskins, which is a miracle in itself that I'll get into soon, and they're hungry.  The Redskins take the field and they're hungry.  The Cowboys took the field and showed they had no hunger.  The Redskins game plan hardly changed, Alfred Morris pounded the Dallas D for 200 yards and three TDs, RGIII scored on a ten yard keeper,  and the maligned defense picked off Tony Romo (America's Choke Artist) and ripped the hearts out of the Dallas offense.  It was amazing.

I've seen a few great games against the Cowboys including the 14-13 miracle in Dallas, the game at FedEx where Cooley caught three TDs in a blow out, and the 2012 Thanksgiving Day game where RGIII blew the roof off Jerry's World, but Week 17 I'll take to my grave.

2. The Most Shocking Loss: Redskins Lose To Thai Food & Bowling

I never miss a Redskins game, like, never.  Preseason, regular season, post season I watch em all.  It can be a 52-0 win, or a 52-0 loss and I'm watching.  Except in the 2011 preseason game against the Buccaneers.  I had scheduled a date with a Blonde silly that night (I'm 90% sure it was a Thursday).

We got Thai food (Which I had never had before) and then proceded to go bowling where I got my ass handed to me, twice (The second game in heart breaking come-from-behind fashion).  I was a big fan of this girl, and to put it in math terms, She > Redskins.  You all probably think it's a pathetic #2 but it's my list so "Suck failure" (Credit for that quote to Anthony @MDs_Own).

1. ST21

When I decided to write this, it instantly became a question of what the other 9 spots will be.  There was no doubt in my mind the story of Sean Taylor was number one.  Call me bias, but there's no other spot for him on this list.

When Sean Taylor came into the league, he was a magnet for penalty flags for pass interference and unnecessary roughness as well as off the field troubles in 2004 and 2005.  He was a bit of a free lancer and was a very unpolished athlete instead of being a football player (There's a huge difference).  As his career wound on, he seemed to get his head on right, he had a kid, settled down with his girlfriend, and became a vocal leader and a big time play maker.  

Then November 2007 rolled around and you know the rest of story.  Sean's house in Miami was broken into, he got up to defend the house, and was shot.  The bullet severed his femoral artery and he passed away the next day.  I remember shedding a tear when I heard (Cuz I'm a wuss) and bro-hugging a few guys at DeMatha that day.  It was a crushing blow to the fans, and the team.  It destroyed Joe Gibbs, Clinton Portis, and others.

Kind of a sad end to this list, but I think a lot of guys my age remember this vividly as well.  It was my first real "sports disaster" and made me realize that sports has a huge affect on my life and lives in the DMV and it will always be planted in my brain.  

So that's my list, maybe you disagree with a lot of it and if you do, let me know, cuz I'd love to hear what you all remember most about the Redskins franchise.  Until next time, HTTR.

Fantasies, and my Wife.

So this is going to be the start of a "exciting" and "funny" new series of posts I'm going to be writing called "Letters for my Wife" in which, I will be writing letters to my wife explaining, well, me.  This can't bite me in the ass down the road.

Also, I'll try not to forget that I want to make this a series so you all won't be all like "It's been six years since you wrote a letter to your wife".  I'll just start --

"My Dearest Anne,

It's the end of August, schools are reopening, beaches are emptying, and for some terrible reason skirt/sundress season is ending, but there is some good news!

Fall is right around the corner!  Leaves changing, the kids are going back to school, the temperature is going down, Oktoberfest beers are coming out out, and football is right around the corner.

But that's not why I'm writing this to you, let's take a ride on the "way back machine".

Do you remember when we met two years ago?  The first time you came over and noticed the scent of "strong mahogany and cheap plastic painted gold" in my bed?  And how you thought is was cute that all my friends and I used to watch football games together every Sunday?  And when our first son was born, we named him Steven Jackson because you thought when I yelled "God damnit!  It's Steven Jackson or nothing!"?

Well, it's time I come clean.  I'm addicted to fantasy football and I have been for years.  The smell in my bed was the 1615 League Championship Trophy, also known as "The Blerta".  After I won Her, she slept next to me in my bed each night.  Were there mornings where I woke up with cuts and bruises from sleeping with a four foot tall trophy?  Yes, that's bound to happen when you're intimate with a trophy, but they were worth it one hundred percent of the time.

And as far as all my friends coming over to watch games, they're all in the League as well.  We spend the week coming up with new ways to insult each other and put each other down and on Sunday we get together to enjoy each others agony and keep each others jubilation in check.  Cuz we love each other dearly.

Oh, and you might want me to go back to the naming of our son thing.  I was on the phone at the time with my buddy Anthony, and we were debating a trade.  He was trying to trade rape me by giving me the Redskins defense, Vernon Davis, and some Cubans for Calvin "Megatron" Johnson. I told him that if he swapped the Redskins defense out of the trade for Steven Jackson, we'd have a deal.  He was trying to stiff me and was all like "I won't budge blah, blah, emotions."  We were in the middle of that conversation when Steven was being born...you probably look really mad at me right now, but just remember -- it's Anthony's fault.  We can make him move out.

It feels really good to get this off my chest, Anne.  It was something I had buried deep down inside, and  now it's something I feel as though we can share.

I just have two last things to say, first is I love you, second is would you start Matt Forte against the Pack or Michael Turner against the Panthers?

Love, SamWow

--The Voice of Awesome"

GREATEST EVER?!?!?!

Last night, the DMV, hell, the world saw the first game of the greatest player in the NFL. Hell, we saw the first game of the greatest athlete in the world.

Robert Griffin the Third.  RGIII.  R-Jesus.  Grif.  Bob Griffin.  Cool Hand Robert.  Robert "Subway Eat Fresh" Griffin the III.  The Baylor Bomber.  The Waco Kid.  The Visored Visionary.  The Shanahan Savior.  The Snyder Savior.  The Adidas Answer.  Robert "TO Wants You To Be His Quarterback" Griffin.  The Anti-Beck.  The Anti-Grossman.  The Anti-Ramsey.  The Potential Cowboy, uh, Killer.

Okay, I'm out.  But he's the best to ever lace them up for the Redskins.  Well, probably the best to lace em up ever.  He's replaced all the other greats like Troy Aikman, Drew Bledsoe, Tony Romo, Heath Shuler, JaMarcus Russell, Kyle Boller, Timmy Couch, Akili Smith, and Brett Favre.  That's my top ten QBs of all time, RGIII is at the top of the list, duh!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, last night against that amazing Bills defense (Iron Curtain Part Two anyone?!?!), he threw four absolutely perfect passes, passes that were guided by the wings of cherubs from the mouths of babes by the hands of God.  Boom.

And have you ever seen a quarterback drop back so eloquently?  Each step was like he was floating, just dancing into the backfield before zipping out one of those cherubs-babes-God passes for another sure fire completion.  I think Evan Royster should be banned from the league for dropping that hand off, how dare he blemish the legacy of a preseason start for R-Jesus?!?  I cannot wait for the next game against the Chicago Cubs.  It will be amazing to see this young super stud dominate again.




This is all a joke, in case people couldn't tell.  Did I like what I saw from Grif tonight?  Yeah.  But the DMV needs to tone this shit down.  Let's not anoint the kid anymore than we already have.  Until next time...All hail.

Danger, Sports!

Hi, my name is Sam, and I'm addicted to the Washington Redskins.  I've been addicted for, oh, I don't know, about twenty one years now...there was a brief time when I was born where I was addicted to a Shoppers Warehouse commercial but that's neither here nor there.

Jesus Christ, this idiot.  

Why am I writing about this?  I've made my love of the Redskins known for sometime now, I'm an addict, as I said, no one will ever doubt that.  I'm writing about this today cuz as of late, a lot of people have been coming up to me, talking football, and then saying "Why are you a Redskins fan?  They're terrible, root for a new team."

If you say that to me, you're a f****** idiot who clearly doesn't know much about football and upon hearing those words leave your mouth I instantly think "Gee, you'd fit perfectly in front of a fast moving bus".  You're the kind of "fan" that roots for the Cowboys, even though you were born in Hagerstown or Potomac.  You're just an asshole who likes to ruffle feathers with stupid, pointless jabs, misguided comments, or asshole-ian assholiness.  And I hate you for it.

Should it be that big a deal to me?  Probably not, it might be worth the gray hairs I have (At the ripe old age of 22).

Okay, back to my answer to the "Why are you still a Redskins question?", after I destroy them with harsh words, I straight up tell them it's cuz that's my hometown team.  That's how this stuff works.  Oh, you were born in Pittsburgh?  You should root for the Steelers.  Born in St. Louis?  Welcome to the Rams bandwagon.

Now, there are exceptions, say you live in New York, but your parents are from Miami and have always rooted for the Dolphins.  Free pass to root for the 'Fins.  Congrats.  That's the exception.  I dunno why  I said "exceptions".

R-Jesus

The Redskins are in my blood.  My father is a Skins fan, my uncles, my cousins, and most of my friends, or at least the ones I truly care about.

I live and die with that team, and people wanna know "Since they always suck why not jump ship?"  Well, cuz I watched the Caps go from cellar dwellers to the top, the Nats go from "also rans" to hopefully (Fingers crossed) perennial pennant winners.  Maybe it's some incredible false hope that I have that one day (Cue dramatic music), one day in February, I will stand on Pennsylvania Avenue, shoulder to shoulder with my burgundy and gold clad Brothers, as the parade winds down the street to chants of "Hail to the Redskins".

Honest to God I would weep.  So I dunno what else to say, I love my team, so back off.  Love your team.  This feels like an oddly angry post with uh, no real flow at all haha.

Until next time.

Bring My Lover Back

She left me in February.  After years and years of dating on and off, I always go back to her, sure as the seasons change, the wind blows, and the hands of time march onward, I will always return to her.

Who is she you ask?  The one that marks the end of my summer romances, the one who I can spend hours with on weekends and occasional weeknights, depending on her schedule.

The relationship can be a roller coaster though, some weeks are ups, others downs.  Sometimes she hurts me for weeks, other times she puts a smile on my face for a month, but like a drug addict, I will always need that rush.

Who is she you ask?  Some blonde bombshell?  Beautiful brunette?  Ravishing (And of course, soul less) red?  Wrong, wrong, and wrong again, friend.

Her full, legal name is "The National Football League", and she is the one for me.  I love baseball, I spend my summers with her, but as soon as the leaves begin to turn, the air gets a chill, and men put on pads and beat the shit out of each other, baseball just seems, well, too plain, too boring for my likes.

All ridiculous writing and romanticizing aside, football season is right around the corner, and I couldn't be happier.  I've been talking about it with friends, reading the latest news, and counting down the days until the season kicks off.

Now, if you walked my bedroom, you might notice a few things.  One, I try to keep a clean room.  Two, why do I still have a twin bed if I'm too big for it?  And three, there's a few Redskins things on the wall.  Like a giant FatHead of the Skins helmet, poster of the 1932 World Champion Redskins team, poster of Sonny Jurgensen, Redskins basketball hoop and basketball, giant Redskins blanket, team plaques for the three Redskins Super Bowl Champion teams ('83, '87, & '91) and the matching beer steins, and then there's the wall color, which may or may not be burgundy and gold walls.

You could say there is a theme to the room.  Now, for those of you who really know me, you know that I live and die with the Redskins on Sunday, it's that emotional rush that makes the football season so magical to me, but it also means after losses, I have to sleep in hell.  I have to go to bed staring at all this Redskins stuff, getting more upset and disturbed that the Redskins always seem to choke in the red zone, or Ladell Betts tripped over the four yard line (I know, I know, yes that was years ago but it clearly still bothers me to no end.  IT'S JUST A LINE!  HOW DID YOU FALL OVER?  I'm ranting. I do that a lot.)

But sleeping in that room after a tough loss can be a nightmare.  Sleeping in it after a big win is the best sleep of my life.  It's a terribly awesome hell I live in.  And I love every minute.

Football is just amazing, I feel like that's all I'm really saying here.  It's the roar of the crowds, the deep bombs, the amazing tackles, the back breaking runs, the acrobatic interceptions, the slow motion instant replays, agony of defeat, and the sweet, sweet ecstasy of victory.

I know some people, well, a lot of people, think it's insane how on game can affect my mood for a few days, or how it can affect who I socialize with on certain days (Both "Dallas Weeks" are my favorite weeks of the year), or how it can bring a group of people t who have never met, together for three hours over a game.

Okay, I'm getting myself too worked up right now.  The point is, football is right around the corner, and it's basically what America is all about haha.

Until next time, follow my random thoughts on Twitter @therealSamWow.