The Story of the Jumping Blanket.

OK, so I'm going to keep this one short and sweet, because, well, that's exactly what it was.  I saw it, I laughed, and I kept walking.

Some of you may remember my story about "Tony Romo" the DC Hobo.  The one who kicked a pigeon (Wow, according to spell check there's no "d" in pigeon, had me fooled)  after feeding it cuz, well, cuz he's just like that.  Anyways...

So this morning I'm walking back to my building past the CVS, sushi joint, and McDonalds like it's any other regular day (Except I'm not stopping anywhere cuz I'm trying to save money and be "less person").  I walk past the same hobos, same pan handlers, same taxi stands, and all that jazz, but when I turned the corner onto 4th Street I stumbled (Almost literally) across a strange jumping blanket.

Well, let me rephrase that; I stumbled upon a shape with socks on, perched on milk cartons, covered in a blue moving blanket with what I can only assume to be a leprechaun jumping up and down on his lap grunting loudly.

You know, a leprechaun "jumping" on his lap.  I'll give you a minute to realize what I'm trying to say here.  Ok, that's all you need.  If you didn't get the reference  you probably shouldn't read my anymore cuz you're way too mature for the type of low brow humor I love so dearly.

So I quickly correct my course and swing wide around the man, letting him and the leprechaun continue about their business.  I was content with going about my day and forgetting what happened and then I heard it.  The screw.  Somewhere between blood curling and "Oh my God I'm an attractive young female professional and I tripped over a masturbating hobo cuz I was walking and texting at the same time", but ya know, that's just my best interpretation.

In case you couldn't tell, that quoted part is exactly what happened.  And I found it pretty hilarious, and once  I got a acceptable distance away, I lost it.  I laughed so hard I wanted to share it with you all, so I hope you enjoyed it.  I'd assume the leprechaun did.

Was that last bit too far?

These Are "Top Tens"...Until I come up with a better title...

"So my good friend SamWow (@therealSamWow and at this site) and I (@tiwytk and at this site) had a brilliant, booze fueled idea this past weekend. It started with a comment about people who have dry weddings hating all their friends and quickly evolved into a 10 things you need to know to have a good wedding. We hope to have quite a few of these 10 things posts so hopefully you'll enjoy reading them as much as we enjoyed writing them. If you don't then take a few moments to pretend I'm deeply hurt by your lack of approval and then continue on with your day. Love ya, mean it.  Really, we do.

1. Don't have a dry wedding. Chances are you're friends won't like you very much because lets be real, people don't really want to think about how happy other people are while sober.

2. Don't plan your wedding on the same day as a major sporting event. It's just rude. (Note: the only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, OR NFL) are the days before and the day after the Major League All star Game.)

3. Make sure there's hotties invited for your single friends. Just because you're getting married doesn't mean you're both done being a good wingman/wing woman.

4. Dance floor. Everyone should see G-Swizzle and SamWow do the "Shamlbin".

5. No reception line. I've always found this to be awkward. You're not a celebrity and you're family members probably aren't either. So lets just skip this and move on to the food and drinks!

6. Don't invite exes (Ted and Stella wedding episode anyone?). If you're that committed to making your ex to see how much better off you are without them, maybe you shouldn't be getting married.  We're looking at you, Eileen.

7. Food. Have lots of it. Simple as that.  And make sure there's finger food so people don't starve while waiting for the main courses, that communion wafer at mass doesn't fill anyone up.


8. For the brides, spare us the bridezilla behavior. Contrary to pop cultures misguiding TV shows, planning a wedding does not suddenly give you the right to crap on the people around you whenever you have a mood.


9. For the grooms, pick your battles during the planning. That's all I'm gonna say.


10. You know that frat brother/sorority sister that always got really drunk in college and was a huge sloppy mess that you think will be a good time? Just don't. I gaurantee they won't be as much fun as you remember."

Friend's Who "Love" Me...Or Don't...

I know this my come as a whopping surprise to many of you, but I have friends. I know right? Crazy stuff right there. Well, maybe they're not friends, but they're people who tolerate me and invite me places so that counts right?

I'm just kidding, I have friends. Most of them from Anne Arundel County and I have absolutely no idea how that happened, but somehow it did and I still haven't been invited to their country clubs, private jets, or Gatsby-esqe parties. What the hell "friends"? What the hell.

But yeah, I like to write (hence this crappy blog) and on occasion I'll write my friends letters or emails just cuz I'm bored or I'll make them crappy collages of crayon-drawn pictures of us doing stuff. Really crappy looking. Terrible, the better gift would have been the empty frame.

All that self hatred aside, on occasion, my friends will write/email/make something for me in return. I'm gonna show one of my personal favorites from my best friend on the face of this Earth, Kelly. Enjoy it, God knows I do every time I read it.

By the way, she's a freak. That's why it's so weird. Just kidding.

---------------
Dear {Top Secret Nickname},
I just wanted to say thank you for a few things, so I thought I should express my gratitude by putting it down on paper so you can remember it forever .
First, I just want to thank you for being awesome.
A- almost as awesome as watching paint dry while sitting on a seat covered with shards of glass when it's raining outside, and then a monkey comes along and pokes you in the eye with a sharp stick. And then you fall on the shards of glass and have to get 165 stitches, and years later find out that you have lead poisoning from the pain n the wall. And that tick gave you lyme disease.
W- would you please shower every once in awhile? It's getting kinda gross.
E- exceptionally nonchalant about showering.
S- smelly, and not in a good way (probably has to do with all that not-showering).
O- offends 4 out of my 5 senses; just sometimes you smell so bad I can feel it.
M- mentally exhausting to be around (especially when you don't shower).
E- emotional like a tween who hasn't had a shower in a week.
Second, I'd like to thank you for being awesome:
A- awful, just awful.
W- way you make me want to vomit.
E- extremely large head.
S- softball player.
O- optical illusion, you are not.
M- my dreamboat, NOT!
E- exceptionally clean (seriously, who takes that many showers?).
Third, dayum son. Thank you for being so ridiculously good looking:
H- homey, you so fine.
A- all the ladies frock to your crock...pot that is. We hear you're a good cook.
S- snookums, can I get your number?
W- wow, check out them sweet cheeks.
A- are those real?
R- Ripped to the core.
T- twinkle toes, just like the twinkle in your eyes.
S- save some sugar for me.

And now for the last, but certainly not least, reason I want to thank you. Thanks for speaking without a lisp:
N- nothrils on your nothe (nostrils on your nose).
O- only Thamothy/ThamWow I know (Only Samothy/SamWow I know).
L- livths in a houth (lives in a house).
I- ith thooo thmart (is sooo smart).
T- things thongs (sings songs).
H- hath to wear glathes (has to wear glasses).
P- pethky prithoners with pethts prante on punpkinthhh.
Well, there you have it. Thanks again.

---------------

Well, that's what she wrote me. Sounds like a hater but that's the relationship we have, we just rag on each other all in good fun.

If you're wondering how this came about, I joked with her about writing me a letter about "How awesome I am, how awesome I am, and how good looking I am." and she added the stuff about the lisp.